Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Reality Spin

After a "heavy" post about E's health, even though it was good news, I'm just going to be frivolous today and do a reality TV musings thing today.

Let me start with the housewives. That would be OC and NYC. Monday and Tuesday are power-packed. I've given up trying to keep myself from the Dancing With The Stars spoiler of who got kicked off because I watch on the treadmill in the morning- never when it's on. Now that they're down to dancing and kicking off in one episode, I can't even try to watch before I read the news somewhere. So I'm just doing housewives Tuesday and Wednesday mornings.

It's just that they're SO BORING. I hate to say it but I think all the old-school ones we loved, loved to hate, and just hated on have all jumped the shark. I think if they want to keep people interested, they need ALL new people! And I despise change. But they had surfing on the OC AND in NY! When you're resorting to major segments on surfing, you're telling us you're tapped out on interesting story. But I'll give some of my thoughts anyway.

NYC: I didn't get to watch all of this past Tuesday yet, but I watched enough. I watched Aviva go to crazy-town and tell Kristen to "Shut the Fcuk Up" in a KIDS activity place! Who DOES that? Look, I have a terrible mouth. I curse like a drunken sailor (do people still say that?!). But come on. I don't walk into The Little Gym and just drop F-bombs. There is a time and a place. And this was not it.

Aviva: I was a little interested in her when she first came on. But now, I'm way over her. She's psycho. I get that she had the accident and it affected her. She seems put together on the outside yet she's a mess on the inside. She can't do anything without her husband there and it's weird. Reid had to go find wifi in a barn because she couldn't go alone to meet that woman.

As far as "Book-Gate", whether Carole did or didn't have help was irrelevant. She didn't need to spread anything. She didn't KNOW anything as fact. If you don't know if something is true, you just keep it to yourself. It's ridiculous. Carole is a writer. Aviva is not a writer. At least for a living. That's Carole's actual job. Of course she's not going to like when someone makes it sound like it's as easy as swiping on some mascara. I've stayed home with my kid and now I work. I've done both. Both are hard. But Aviva does live a privileged life and she has a husband who basically holds her hand through every single step of her day, let alone her life. Carole does not. Let Carole have her writing and stop trying to tarnish her reputation. And please, with the "verbally raped". She plays the victim way too well and it's grating as hell. She really does have a sick temper that goes 0-60 in seconds. She's definitely scary because she can be super sweet and go nuts all in one sentence. I see we're going to be treated to her lecherous father sometime in a future episode. Goody.

Carole: She can be condescending. Okay. Her memoir was okay. I read it and I liked it. The beginning chapters about her early life- I found boring. But it gained momentum. I don't doubt she wrote it. She lost it when she grabbed Aviva's face. Totally in the wrong. I could see she was pushed to her breaking point. She should've just declined the invite to the party then though. She didn't need to go. It was a recipe for disaster and I assume that's why it happened. Bravo ain't stupid and we know the scenarios are staged. I've been at parties where they've filmed RHONJ- I've seen the staging first hand. As far as cast members go - she's interesting still. She's single so her dating is something to explore. Her writing, in a general sense, is interesting. As a career. She just needs to take her high horse down a peg or two. There is a difference in being confident, proud of your accomplishments and just being an ass. I feel like she acts that way to cover up her soft inside. Maybe she does have some doubts about never becoming a parent and it comes out when someone like Aviva tries to come off as having it all. I don't think she's jealous. Definitely not jealous of Aviva. But just has some lingering doubt or regret about some of her own choices.

Heather: I can't decide what I think of her. I find her two-faced. I like that she stands up for Carole. I mean, she got ridiculously "street" when she started throwing mother-f'er around at the Countess's Hamptons fete. I had to curl up in fetal and watch through my fingers, I was so embarrassed by her whole scene- body language, words, etc. She is like...faux-ghetto. I don't know how else to describe it. It seems like she has a good marriage though and my heart breaks for her son's health struggles. I want to like her, but then she says something ridiculous.

Kristen: I feel bad for her. She seems nice. But she didn't know what she was getting into with this husband. She's so pretty and it just goes to show that it doesn't matter how pretty you are- there is always going to be a guy who thinks it's okay to be a dick to you. She's insecure because her husband doesn't make her feel cherished. That's the perfect word. She wants to be cherished. She tells him. He just basically refuses. I don't see that marriage going well. So far she hasn't been two-faced. She's been trying to be honest and be cool with all the girls. Then Aviva went batshit on her. She should just walk away before it's too late!

Ramona: I'm over her pot-stirring and her trip to Africa. I don't care that her daughter is going to college. We're not going to see the cracks in her marriage on the show- as per what she said on WWHL with Andy. So what good is she? I never liked her though.

Sonja: She is fascinating. I find her annoying but I also am obsessed with her house of interns and how cheap she is. I get being frugal when you're having money problems like she is but she's using a Sharpie on Chanel bags. She has a house full of young kids, presumably getting some kind of college credit? for this? For stuffing her into "caburleque" wear? I'm interested, somewhat, in her divorce and money issues. And whether she's seriously getting with Aviva's ex-husband.

I have to include Harry Dubin. What is his story?? He isn't good looking. He doesn't seem all that interesting. Yet, he's banged everyone. With more on the horizon. It's so weird. There is also no rhyme or reason to who he picks to marry or sleep with. Aviva and Sonja couldn't BE more different. Yet he married and had a kid with Aviva and he's...hanging out...with Sonja now. Hmm. Harry Dubin. I can't even, with the name Harry. He really must be some kind of rockstar in the sack? Or he's loaded? I don't know.

Edit: I watched the rest of this week's show. Oh. My. God. I should've waited to write this till now. Whatever. I'm not sure who is the most batshit crazy! Aviva, Ramona & Sonja are all TIED. Sonja must have some kind of drinking problem. She was out of control. As was Ramona! Sonja is a comedian? For 20 years? What now? How did she amass her fortune? Not by being a comedian. Or selling toasters. She married a wealthy man. She didn't get a big settlement but she lived a certain lifestyle and she must have gotten assets she was able to sell. A normal person probably could've lived off what she had or has. Kudos for always hustling but she sounded like a nut.

And Ramona. She can't remember what she said two seconds prior. She called Heather a hypocrite in one breath and then said she didn't. Come again? And she's going to get socked in the mouth the way she keeps putting her hands on people. I was actually surprised at her restraint with Sonja though. Sonja threw DOWN and Ramona kept her cool. ONLY with Sonja but I thought she was going to go nuts. I'm not even going to discuss the convo with Kristen because both Ramona and Aviva have just been straight up assholes to her. Lastly, Aviva pulling that book out and kissing Carole's behind makes her seem even more manic than she already has come off. Just. Wow.

On to the OC....

It's so over. Heather looks to be the targeted villain this season. She's so prissy and boring. I don't care about her ginormous homes. She always talks about what we do and don't do on the East Coast. Yet, I don't know anyone that uptight here. Certainly not in the land of Jersey Shore and Teresa of table flipping notoriety. Add in Jerseylicious and whatever other sad reality shows we have going on here. There is no way I'd call Jersey the land of high etiquette. And judging from the NYC housewives, I don't see an abundance of class going on there either. Mother-f'er. I just don't know why she wants to come off that way. Sure they edit, but you are who you are. She has to want to be that character in some way. And, so pompous. I liked him at first but now, I just think he comes off so stereotypical Jewish plastic surgeon. It's bad. Bad for the Jews. Like we're not hated enough.

Tamra: I feel for her with her Simon mess. But really, trying to force Eddie to have a kid because you don't have yours full-time?? Hello, trainwreck. Eddie doesn't even seem to like kids, let alone want to have one, at however old he is and with you in your 40's. With four kids already. You had your kids. You have your hot younger man. It may be sad and it may suck sometimes, but the silver lining of Simon having the kids sometimes is that you can really make this the marriage you want it to be. You can pay attention to each other, your new business, and yourself! You're bored or lonely without the kids? Take a class. Get a hobby. Work on your business. Have sex with your seemingly gay husband. You don't just throw in a baby like it's a new Louis Vuitton. IT'S A BABY. A PERSON. Heather was actually CORRECT that it's a huge life decision. Tamra- don't take advice from Shannon who looks on the brink of divorce. She says to have a baby because her head is up her ass about her own relationship. Or she wants you to be as miserable as she is. We don't know enough about her yet besides the Feng Shui of her bejeweled mouth. Who does she think she is- Madonna with her grill??

Vicki: same old, same old. Her daughter needs to go and see what real life in Oklahoma is like without mommy picking up your slack. Brooks again? Why can't she quit him. I'm sure she could visit NYC and have Harry Dubin take her for a spin. Although, he's probably a Jew and that would sacrilegious to her probably. The ignorance too- ugh. When she asked Heather if tarot cards are against the Bible? What? If you're that Christian then I think you should know the answer to such questions. If you don't know, then just go with the flow and have fun. I'm pretty sure they weren't courting the devil. Into Shannon's oh-so-green environment....

Speaking of Shannon. Oy. What to say. Like Kristen in NYC, she obviously came on as "the one with a troubled marriage" story. Totally not on the same page as her husband. In reality land, that just spell trouble. Again with a husband that comes off as just not cherishing her. She may be annoying, and a hypocrite (with all her green/not-so-green stuff) but you can see- she's hurting. She wants her husband to make her feel special and he's just not doing it. No good. All I could do while Heather swooned over Shannon's d├ęcor was look around at the lighting and want to re-do it better. And all that wood paneling....

I miss Lydia's mom at this point. And Gretchen. I thought it was a real dick move of Andy to let them talk trash about Gretchen without her being there to defend herself. There was no natural ending for her either- she was just gone. At least she was fun. Funny, trashy, over the top, self-centered. She was great. And Slade was her grotesque side-kick. They made good TV. I'm glad Lydia is gone. There isn't enough space for me to type all that disliked about her. I'd like to see a cage-match between a high Lydia's mom and Psycho Ryan (Brianna's husband).

Lastly- we have True Tori. Oh Tori. What are you DOING? This show is going to live on forever on the Internet. Your kids are already having a hard time. I know you're a mess right now but this isn't the way to do it. I'll give it to you- this was the only way you were getting me to watch a show with you and that husband. And I did watch. But it was just...not good!

The kids are being exposed during their difficult time. It's opening THEM up to being judged too by stupid people on the Internet. They post vile things as if the kids aren't real people, but characters in a TV drama. The same way they post about her weight, her complexion, her general appearance. Her kids aren't untouchable with that!

And face it, many people were just waiting for this. Society doesn't take kindly to adultery. They've been judging this marriage since they both cheated on their spouses and basically shouted "SUCK IT! WE'RE SOULMATES!" to the world. He cheated while in the MIDDLE OF AN ADOPTION! She didn't have kids but it was all very public. They really made no apologies either. It was like sorrynotsorry people got hurt! But we're happy! That's all that matters! I'm thinking many a cheated on woman was just praying this would happen with Tori & Dean.

She said she needed to put HER story out there because it was going to be told anyway. There ARE stars that are able to keep their personal life somewhat private. It CAN be done. How many times have we heard about stars tipping off the paparazzi for press? We don't hear much about Jessica Alba's marriage. Even Jessica Simpson. There was talk in the beginning when she got with that guy- I don't even know his name. But no one knows what's going on with them. She courts the press.

The show itself...she seemed like she was letting it all hang out. The best/most "real" part had to be in the fabric store with her friends. When no one wanted to bend down lest the paparazzi get shots of their asses. I could totally see that being my friends and I. The worst/saddest was when Tori stopped to put on make-up/lipstick before visiting Dean in the rehab. When she said- "he's still my husband and I want to look good. Don't judge me". I think we've all been there. Cheated on and feeling like somehow we should've looked better. That maybe it wouldn't have happened if only we wore lipstick more often. But the rest...the rest was no one's business. I'm creeped out by Dean's Sasha Fierce alter ego ("Deano"- what the F?).

I found myself hating Dean. I've never seen him in ANYTHING. I know he's supposedly an actor but I haven't seen anything he's been in. And I follow pop culture. Of stuff I'm actually interested in. I guess he doesn't make TV or movies I want to watch. Neither does Angelina Jolie but I know she's an actual movie star. So he's just some schmucky guy who hooked up with Tori Spelling- he probably thought she was worth millions. Then he found out she wasn't. But she was banging him all the time, had his kids, and he was working steadily in these kitchy reality shows, not having to strain himself too much. She's writing books, making children's clothes or whatever else she does. He got himself a real worker bee. Seeing him on this show, acting like he has the right to ask to come home, for her to tell him he'll be allowed to come home, to ask to hug her...I just wanted her to kick him in the nuts. And I'm not usually that juvenile but seriously? He's a real douche.

It's going to take him YEARS of intensive therapy to work through his issues. His alter ego madness. No, Tori, you didn't sign up to raise four kids alone but you've said in your books you never fully trusted him. No one made you have four kids. There are people who are single moms of four kids or more, with much less and slim opportunities that just figure it out. She at least has the means to get some help with childcare. I wanted to shake her and ask what she thinks she's teaching her girls to accept that kind of treatment.

It's a sad situation for sure but if I had to rank people I feel awful for in this world, she's just not at the top of the list. Not because she's a star, does or doesn't have money, etc- but for how she's going about the whole thing. Her angle, her motivations, her's all in question and murky.

So I'll keep watching. Tori, the housewives, all of it. The housewives don't make me feel icky though. There are so many of them on each show, it's like no one's serious stuff is really super-highlighted like it is with Tori. The whole premise of Tori's show is the downfall of her marriage and what will or won't happen next. It's like spying on your neighbors. The housewives are more...fluffy. Embarrassing in a different way but you don't get to the end and feel bad. Just dumb. With Tori, you feel kind of sad and dirty. It's not a nice feeling.


  1. cringeworthy! I love tori, but the parts with her on the couch seemed so rehearsed and unnatural. But when he kept saying "I cheated on you and I lied to you", I had to look away. Awful. Also, she said that since she was young/on 90210 everyone has told her story but her. Ummm..what about those books she wrote about her life? I read them all, of course. I hate to think she did this for financial reasons only because it's like going to work naked.

  2. It was SO bad. And now there is speculation that it was all a ruse to get a show. But I don't believe that actually. I think her husband is such a scummy loser that he totally cheated. Even if not with this Emily Goodhand, than SOMEONE. Also, even with her poor judgment I don't know if she'd put her kids through this. She also comes off medicated. She'd also have to get all her friends in on it....are there SO many people in one social circle that are so fame whore-y with such bad judgment? Possibly. But it looked like a hot mess, everyone is talking shit about her, goofing on her, etc. I don't know if she'd really go THIS far. Unless she's in such a financial hole that we can't even fathom.

    I didn't find it that emotional though, even though I know others did. It was more like watching an animal in it's natural habitat, like at a zoo. Curious, interested, but not emotional.