Thursday, September 27, 2018

Today, in my Calendar

Yeah, I was going to post what I'd written about my experience ringing the bell at the NYSE, a few weeks ago, but I can't. Instead, I'm paralyzed in front of the tv, watching Dr Christine Blasey Ford tell her story and get grilled over it, needing some outlet to get my feelings out about what I'm hearing and seeing.

I actually didn't know who Senator Chuck Grassley was before this morning. I usually listen to the tv, not watch it, but I picked my head up to see who this angry, rude man was from what he was saying. Just the way he was speaking before actually talking TO anyone, just about what was about to go on, to how he spoke to Senator Feinstein, was abhorrent. It was totally degrading and dismissive.

Before Dr Blasey Ford even spoke, I was already emotional. I'm stuck on the whole "why didn't she report" nonsense. For me, that's really personal. I wrote about my #metoo story when another high profile sexual assault story came out in the media and people started sharing their stories. I said that my moment, my violator, I found out only a few years ago, is a family judge.

I didn't get "rape-raped" as I've described in an earlier entry. I managed to get out of that room relatively physically unscathed. But I identify with any person who left a room or scenario of that nature, physically assaulted or physically unscathed, who still felt guilt, shame, and a whole host of other things. I remember thinking, well, I probably shouldn't have gone there. Maybe I did know what I was going there for? I didn't feel like I knew I was supposed to be going there for sex, but maybe it was implied, and being seventeen, I just didn't know?

So, I didn't get raped. It didn't even occur to me that what happened to me could be reportable. I didn't tell my mom because I wasn't supposed to go anywhere after my community service shift. I didn't want to get grounded. I didn't tell my boyfriend at the time because he was SUPER jealous and I felt like I'd "get in trouble" with him too. I don't think I told any of my friends because the guy said "You know what you're here for", "You better not tell anyone, because you're not going to ruin my life". He made it sound like it was my fault, so part of it felt like it might be. I was also confused because I had thought we were "friends". Of course not realizing that twenty-three year old men are rarely looking for friendship from a seventeen year old girl.

It's not something to report to any authority, now, over twenty-five years later. I got away. But, like Dr Blasey Ford, the person who attempted to assault me is a judge. Bet your ASS, if he got put on a short list for the SUPREME COURT, the highest court of the land, I would come forward with my story. 

Someone I'm shocked by, said to a friend this morning, "If we were all judged by stuff we did in high school, it would be a disaster!". Well, if you don't attempt to sexually assault someone in high school, you'd have nothing to worry about. Someone else I know has said, "I'm worried about my son. Any girl can just say anything about him, that she was assaulted, and he'll be screwed". No, teach your son not to be a rapist, he'll have a spotless reputation, and he, and you won't have to worry about it. I have a son, and that's the last thing I'm worried about- BECAUSE I'VE BEEN TEACHING HIM ALL ALONG NOT TO BE A RAPIST.

He's not being judged on what he did in high school to get a job at a fast food restaurant. He's going for a LIFETIME APPOINTMENT TO THE HIGHEST COURT. There's a HUGE difference. Anyone that doesn't understand that is just digging their heels in for partisan politics. This shouldn't be a partisan issue.

No, I don't want a conservative Supreme Court judge. It looks like we're going to get one no matter what. You're going to tell me we have NO viable conservative with no sexual assault allegations pending?? #wecandobetter

Further, I'm baffled at the WOMEN still supporting Trump when his excuse for support of Kavanaugh is that he knows from personal experience how women have lied about sexual assault perpetrated by him. How do you support this person when he is willing to just dismiss sexual assault just to "win"??? I saw in the news this morning, that a woman, a Trump supporter, said TO HER TEEN DAUGHTERS, that groping is no big deal. Then I read further, and her hill to die on is abortion. Figures. Make sure you HAVE the fetuses, if she gets groped later, it's no big thing. It's boys being boys. #turninyourVcard

Say what you want about Obama, but his respect of women, HALF THE POPULATION, never once, came into question.

To discredit Dr Blasey Ford, someone in my husband's Facebook feed stated as evidence that she "had no tears". That's what we should go on? A lack of tears means she's a liar? I'm curious how he'd be thinking if she was his daughter. I would love to ask his daughter to tell any #whyididntreport she has, because we all do, to her dad and see if he changes his tune. Sure, false allegations happen. But when they happen, they're proven to be false pretty quickly.

I'm just so disheartened, disgusted, and angry at the lens that some people are seeing this through and the words that are coming out of their mouths, pens and fingers about it. Words and thoughts made "okay" by a cancerous head. 

Just as I had started watching this at ten o'clock this morning when I came to work, a woman came in, sort of to say hello, sort of to solicit, which we all know how I feel about solicitation. It didn't matter though, I couldn't even concentrate on what she was saying because of the disgusting disrespect I was hearing on TV via Senator Grassley. Luckily she and I are of the same side of thinking, I found out quickly, from the word vomit that just came out to her when I opened my mouth.

She was the first human I'd had contact with today, during this emotional moment, so it all just came tumbling out. By the time she left at eleven thirty, almost two hours later, and only because a customer came in, I felt like we'd bonded on shared PTSD from the sheer disgust of victim shaming, and partisan power struggle, trying to push this candidate through at any cost. When she left, we hugged, knowing what a pivotal moment in history this is, for the future sanctity of the Supreme Court, and for humankind. I really felt like we shared a moment like I can't articulate properly. So, thank you Michele. Whether you feel the same or not, from this atheist Jew, you were there this morning for some kind of reason, and I appreciate it greatly.

Then I saw another friend outside my store, having taken her daughter out for lunch, who I know is just as devastated by all this as I am. I'm not even a hugger, but we hugged, also like two people with PTSD from this administration and all the garbage it's ushered in with it.

If this guy gets pushed through to the Supreme Court, I don't even know what to say. It will be a terrifying day for this country. That's all I have. What else is there.

Let us just remember that THIS IS NOT A CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION. This is JOB INTERVIEW. People have been turned down for jobs at Burger King for less! GET ANOTHER GUY.

I know today's entry is mostly a stream of consciousness. I'm not even going back to clean it up - as I normally do. I just want to have this moment down, today down, for some reason. You know, since keeping calendars is so important and telling. And you all get to be the recipient.