They Wear Short Shorts

Short shorts. Basically underwear. I'm obsessed with girls' ass cheeks. I've literally been snapping iphone photos of people's tween & teen daughters, sisters, cousins, whatever. No faces. Just backsides and back of heads but I can't stop myself. What I really want to do is post all these photos and caption them- "Do you know this tush? Buy her some pants please.".

Age 12 fashion, circa 1987

Am I being prudy? Old? I don't think so. I remember being a teen. Quite well. I remember dressing kind of whorey. But it was the 80's and 90's. Clothes were just bigger in general. We had big everything and grunge. Or it was a pick-one situation. Tight, stretchy jeans? Sure- but paired with a blousy top. Or even a turtle neck sweater! Tiny stretchy skirt? Same thing. Granted, maybe it was a ripped T and off the shoulder but it wasn't a peep show all over the place. The last time I saw shorts this short was early 80's running shorts. But even those graduated to the bigger, longer, Umbro style.

I was in CVS when it started to pour at the Glen Rock Street Fair. A trio of girls came in freaking out about the rain ruining their "look". Meanwhile, one of them was wearing white shorts that were basically hot pants. If she bent over I'd have been able to see her lady, no- scratch that- teen girl parts. I actually got a quick picture and was a perfect example of what is wrong with this "style". She was PICKING THE SHORTS OUT OF HER ASS CHEEKS. Yup. If you need to constantly fool with your shorts and pull them down, isn't it common sense that they're too short?

WHY? Girls- I know you don't want to hear it because I'm an ancient thirty-eight years old but they don't look good. My husband says, hey, this is the style. Of course he says that. And I understand style. But I also believe in the motto- Just because it fits doesn't mean you should wear it. I can fit into skinny jeans but I don't look skinny. And this isn't even a weight thing. The ass-picker girl had an awesome body. I could've only dreamed of having that body as a teen. But ass-picking is never going to look good, even if it's Gisele who is doing it.

Ok, maybe some of them can keep their hands off their ass and more power to those girls. But I just don't know who is lying to them that walking around in underwear passing as shorts is attractive. More often than not, they look terrible. I've seen some of the older dancers at E's dance school wearing dance-wear that's ultimately the same as these shorts except they aren't denim. These girls look like gazelles and their legs go on for days. I don't notice them as much because they're not on the street, first of all, and second- they don't look in pain or have camel toe.

I just do not understand this new trend. I've driven by the high school and I don't know how they aren't being sent home. When I was in high school the shorts couldn't be more than two inches above the knee. If you didn't have gym clothes to change into if you were caught with too short shorts, they called your parents. And this was public school. This isn't a question of heat either. We have capris now- all kinds. Cargo, tapered, preppy, you name it. I haven't worn shorts since the summer of 1993 I think and I haven't fallen down of heat stroke from wearing capri pants.

So I'm not going to post pictures because I don't want a town lynch mob at my house but seriously- good rule of thumb- if the pockets are hanging out the bottom, they're too short. If you bend over and you can see full on cheek, TOO SHORT. If you feel the need to touch and pull at them all day, they're no good. A "Glamour DON'T bar" should be over your eyes at all times. You can still be in style without showing everything you've got. And I'm a boob girl. I love a great cleavage shirt. But there is a line that goes from sexy to tacky really quick. Not to mention a time and place. I don't showcase the girls to go to school pick-up or breakfast in the Sukkah. So your ass needn't be on display (on display, on display, each and every day, every day, every day....) at the town street fair. You want people looking at your face, not trying to snap pictures of your uncovered butt cheeks.

Listen- I know teen girls are no picnic, and I know plenty who looked fine leaving the house but changed into the stuff they hid in a backpack in the bushes. There is no stopping that and the behavior is as old as dirt. But when you're buying the clothes for them, for the love of some much needed coverage, use your monetary veto power to just. say. no. to camel toe.

That's my PSA of the day.