Friday, March 21, 2014

The Big G

Where does all the Guilt and insecurity come from? I think I've said before, I think I'm lucky. I was born without guilt. It just doesn't exist for me. And I'm pretty sure it's partially due to being a Leo that I also am not saddled with much insecurity either. We all have good and bad and for me, I am happy that a plus for me is not having to be burdened with these kind of things because from what I'm seeing all over the place in social media and on message boards it can be crippling and exhausting.

We all watch the Emmy's, the Oscars, the SAG awards, you name it. If there are celebrities getting dressed up and getting some kind of statuette, we're there. Why do we get giddy to sit down and watch? Why do so many of my friends say on Facebook- "This is MY superbowl"? To JUDGE. Everyone becomes judge and jury about something as superficial as fashion. It's benign, right, our judging. Because it's celebrities. Really, though, what's the difference of saying Kim Novak looks like Plastic-Surgery-Grandma-Barbie-Gone-Wrong and judging your fellow moms for having a Leprechaun shit gold coins in the toilet for St Patrick's Day fun? Nothing. It's an opinion. A judgment. Neither is any better or any worse, and meaner or nicer. But boy do women get FIRED up when someone questions their parenting choices.

EVERYONE JUDGES. Everyone has opinions. I'm sure I've imparted this wisdom. It's just a fact. I mean, isn't a lot religion, the thing so many people base their life on, all about trying to do right, doing wrong, repenting for it, and doing right and wrong again? Is anyone perfect? Do we really believe we can be? No one has been able to be perfect since the beginning of time. It's nice to have high standards to shoot for but I'm here to tell ya that it's ain't gonna happen. So you might as well come to some sort of peace about that or you're going to be reading a lot of blogs trying to make yourself feel better.

Every day now I see a new blog post of "Dear Mother who does this", and then a rebuttal by the opposite kind of mom. And I'm guilty of sharing them here and there. For no reason except I quickly read, it strikes me, I share to get some discussion going on my Facebook page, and it keeps my day going. I don't know why it didn't really occur to me before, but I realized, thanks in part to a posting by an old friend, that these blog posts are all about self-validation. People needing to know that there have to be other people with them in their thinking. It's not about saying, "this is who I am- suck it!". It's about needing other people to nod and stroke and say - "ME TOO!!" Why? Because everyone is running around feeling so damned guilty. Guilty for all of their choices. To stay home, to work, to go out with friends instead of the kids, to go away for a girl's weekend, to buy something nice for yourself, to keep up your appearance, to go to the gym, to read a book and just NOT play with your kid(s). To do up holidays, not do holidays, to smoke pot (What? I just read something about a blog from a proud pot smoking mom), to breast feed, formula feed, co-sleep, homeschool, whatever. All things you shouldn't feel like you have to justify. Broken down, we're all different people, need different things and make different choices. Whatever. That's what the cheerleaders say. But I'm going to take it a step further and say- How about just not caring. Stop caring what people think about your choices. Make it your daily mantra.

Why do we need the blogger cheerleader to validate what the hell you feel you need or want to do? Why do we even need to be told it's okay to need what we need and want what we want. Why are there memes and badges and whatnot that list all the things we sacrifice when we become parents. No one else CARES. No one else sacrifices the same things. Once person always has more help, more money, more patience, more family, more something and everything. Really, all our experiences are our own. It's great to share, to commiserate, to feel heard. But everyone's level of guilt is there own too so it's up to us to just not. Not accept it. Not need the....PERMISSION to just be and not give a giant fcuk what anyone thinks about it. People get all up in arms about the judging. "Live and let live!" they cry, when it's something they do being judged. Which they forget five minutes later when they're judging the next one for something they don't do.

Judge a lot or sparingly, but I'd like to find one person who never has a negative opinion about something someone else does and I guess they should be the next one sainted. I've yet to find one. I'm not looking for one though.

I have been reading these "Dear _____ Mom" blogs and putting them all together it's like a quilt of insecurity. I don't hate Pinterest because it makes me feel less than. Or a bad mom. Or like my kid is missing out. I hate it because it's boring to ME. And because it makes other people feel bad about themselves which turns some people into annoying mompetitors (*judgment! judgment*). I don't need a pin board of stuff I'm never going to do or look at again. I don't care if you want to cover your house and kids in glitter. I don't care if you want to craft all day and night. My issues and judgments have nothing to do with feeling insecure, it has to do with feeling right! As it should. I feel right like 99% of the time. And that 1% I don't, I just move on. Everyone should feel like what they're doing is right. Right for your house and your family and your kids. And screw everyone else. Who cares if I think Pinterest is a waste of time? And elaborate Valentines a chore. Someone's reading this and other entries and judging me. We can't help having opinions. I'd rather have opinions than just be wishy washy, not knowing what I think or where I stand. I don't even know how or if that's possible. Sometimes opinions are just opinions and sometimes they're judgments. Sometimes you're judging me and I'm judging you. And sometimes I judged you one way this morning, thought about it, and changed my mind later. As Wendy Williams says, besides "How you doin'?", it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind.

Most of us, or my friends, are people who grew up in the 70's and 80's. NOT the 50's. In the 50's maybe moms cared a lot about being perfect. Or whatever the perception of perfect was back then. But that was NOT the parents of the me-me-me party time era of the 70's and 80's. Our parents weren't up our ass, they weren't so worried about anything really. There weren't blogs to read, there were cigarette's to be smoked and stories to watch. And they didn't seem to feel bad about shit. If they did, they took some Mommy's Little Helpers and washed it down with a Tab. I would bet anything the majority weren't sitting around berating themselves and looking for people to tell them they're doing ok. It was the era of Working Girl and doing it all. The difference between 80's "doing it all" and today's "doing it all" just seems like a lot more self-given guilt and insecurity. I don't know why that is, but there are trade-offs everywhere. There is never going to be a time where life is just easy, perfect, and stress free. So just embrace your fuck-ups. Try to do it different next time. But for goodness sake, give the guilt, insecurity and self-doubt the heave-ho. It's just not worth it. Unless you have a time machine you're hiding in your yard.

I hope this makes sense. Lately, as I read these "battle cry" mom blogs, it reminds me of Color War at camp. Like, we're on teams and half the time, don't even know what team we're on. Personally, I'd rather watch a mom sing-off like in Pitch Perfect than read another parenting blog.

You know how I love my Pauly D saying- DO. YOU.

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