Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Say Your Goodbyes

"Sorry, if you did not receive your rose, take a moment and say your goodbyes..." -Chris Harrison

That's what Chris Harrison, host of The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Bachelor Pad, Bachelor in Paradise and whatever else Bachelor Nation does on television. I haven't watched The Bachelor in years. I watched most of Sean Lowe's season. I think. That was Season 17. I'm sure I fast forwarded most of it. I don't need a whorey Bachelor like Ben Flajnik (I didn't watch his season at all but I did used to subscribe to US Weekly). The show is fluffed up enough with boring filler. I certainly don't want to watch these uber Christian Bachelors either- like Sean. I think he was a virgin? No, no. No one needs a virgin guy as the Bachelor. That's not fun, trashy, reality tv. Not to me. In real life, a virgin guy is fine. For reality TV, not so much.

B and I decided to watch this season of The Bachelor, with Nick Viall. Not because we like Nick or care if he finds love. We do watch Bachelor in Paradise, even not knowing the "characters" because it's extra trashy. It has an edge. Plus there are both guys and women which makes it more interesting to me, because it's not just a bunch of men or women vying for one man or woman. If you aren't feeling the Bachelor or Bachelorette, it's hard to get invested. It's boring to watch a bunch of people fighting over a person you're pretty meh about. With Nick though, he's half trash bag, you know he's going to kiss and tell, and you know some drama is going to go down. So we're in this time.

We were watching last night when we both said how ill-equipped I would be to be one of the competing women though. It's so crazy how they have to do challenges or whatever to get time with the guy. I die laughing thinking of me running a race against two other women to get in a hot tub. One, when Chris Harrison said the prize was the hot tub, the first thing I said, out loud, was, "Ew. I couldn't even do that. I'd be all, sorry, I get vertigo in a hot tub". B and I were cracking up, thinking about how we went away on business, pre-baby, and thought we'd be all romantic in the hot tub in our room. Sixty seconds in there, I was freaking out because it was too hot, I was dizzy, and felt like I was going to throw up. It didn't end up very romantic. 

Even the running- I wouldn't be running. I would've just been like- "Yeah, I'm out."

The one-on-one too, with Vanessa? That would be a no-go too. I don't want to go in a space thing where I'd be free floating. I swear, I'm not boring. I don't want adventure dates though. I don't want to puke on the guy I'm trying to date. I'm not even very vain. But puking in front of the guy I want to make out with hasn't happened since college, and not something I'd ever want to experience a second time. 

I've never wanted to jump out of a plane, bungee off a bridge, or pretend to be an astronaut. Even in my early twenties. It's bad enough to have to go on group dates, but worse yet, to have to do exercises and races? I wouldn't have even made it through Rock of Love. Those girls had to play and win football games for Bret Michaels affections. Sorry Bret. I don't want to watch it, play it, or even wear the outfit.

I was on a TV dating show once. Blind Date with Roger Lodge. It's like ten hours of filming edited down to eight minutes of reality television. They had us go on two dates in one day for filming. One was a dance lesson in a tiny, hot, walk-up studio. The other was doing trapeze in some goth chick's apartment. FYI, neither of these were fun. They were sweaty. Definitely not my thing. I've been on fun dates. One guy took me to see REM on a first date. One took me to see Maroon 5 with front row seats. Even the US Open was fun. I don't know much about tennis, but there's sitting. Celebrity spotting. But at all of those things, *I* didn't have to be part of the sporting.

Obviously not me, but props to you if you can find mine. I think it was 2003/2004

Last night, they had the girls dance with the Backstreet Boys. I would've been Corinne. Well, I wouldn't have a nanny and throw a temper tantrum. I can't dance though, so I would've been just as uncomfortable. I would've been standing in the back, dancing like Elaine Benes, trying to fly under the radar. I wouldn't have won the serenade or the date rose either. The group dates where you have to "win" time with the guy is so unfair. Nick doesn't pick who he actually wants to spend time with, he *has* to spend time with whoever wins. I guess that's nice that it forces him to get to know some of the women who might not have the moxie and/or personality to push themselves in front of him for attention. You gravitate toward who you gravitate toward though and the hot tub thing and the serenade thing wasn't really private, so it was just a little bit of extra time, in front of the other women.

The show is the show. I'm sure some of these girls must like these adventures. I'm watching. I'm equally fascinated, disgusted, and envious of a twenty-four year old who has a nanny. If anyone should have a nanny at their beck and call, it's a mom. I could totally use a nanny. Maybe it's all for television, but if it is, Corinne is a really good actress. She totally pulls off "millennial who has a nanny" like a boss. She has some good lines, that she delivers with the utmost seriousness, like, "He held my boobs. No one has ever held my boobs like that. No one ever will". I melted into my couch in mortification for her when she tried the Varsity Blues whipped cream bikini stunt. I like watching the Jersey Girl be Jersey. If I was a drinker, I could've gotten sloshed ten times over if the game was to do a shot every time Liz said "Jade & Tanner's wedding".

I already read Reality Steve so I know when everyone gets kicked off and who "wins" Nick. Knowing ahead of time doesn't diminish the fun of watching. Especially since most aren't memorable enough to remember their names. It's good to have a vague idea who they are, for when summer comes around and they show up on Bachelor in Paradise.

I just know that I'm glad I was never picked as a contestant for The Bachelor. It wouldn't have worked out well. Anyone that really knows me, knows I'm a girl's girl. I would've ended up not giving a crap about Nick and just counseling all the other girls. Treating it more like a sorority than a contest. I'm just not that competitive. I will admit, I did go to a mall try-out when I was twenty-six or twenty-seven. My downfall was most likely saying, "I won't act like a schmuck". Oh well. I'm satisfied watching these people through my fingers and listening to Stefanie Wilder-Taylor's "Rose Pricks" podcast all about the show.

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