I feel like I'm always apologizing for not writing. Saying I don't have the time. I really have been busy, but it's not just that. I've actually been listening to a podcast for the first time ever. I can't even get through one hour's episode in one sitting. But it helps that I figured out how to listen in my car through the blue tooth! I just haven't been writing. I've been procrastinating. I don't have writer's block or anything. I think I definitely have too many things swirling around in my brain.
People seem to read my stuff because they say it's honest. That I just tell it how it is, or have no filter. They tell me that I write about things other people might be afraid to put out there. That's all true, for the most part.
Except, now, these days, I'm tired. Not from running around being busy. I'm tired of fighting. Tired of being disappointed by people I thought I liked. Tired of opinions I can't un-see, un-hear, and un-know.
It's not as simple as live and let live- we have different opinions and we'll agree to disagree. It's that there somehow became a level of "anything goes". It sounds good, in theory. I don't know what it's a commercial for, but there's a commercial I've heard a few times that goes, "Wouldn't it be great if people just said exactly what they were thinking...." Or something like that. No, actually it isn't great. Because what they're saying is so offensive. It takes a lot to offend me. But if you say things that are racist, sexist, homophobic, anti-transgender, misogynistic, then yes, I'm going to be offended. Or not even so much offended, but annoyed and disappointed. Why do I even know people who think this way?
Ugh. Like I said, I'm tired. I love social media. Except, social media is overloading me on opinions I didn't want to know. It's not as easy as getting off social media either. I'm not going to live with my head in the sand. The people I know who don't use social media are weird. Sorry- you are. And you're probably not even going to see this, because if you're not on social media, I don't even know what you look at online. Most likely not this. Those not on social media are in some weird bubble that isn't real. They don't know simple things that are going on that they should know. Being in the dark, in a general sense, isn't the answer either. Social media is used for everything now- local events, school things, etc. So, shutting it out completely isn't the answer.
I just know I'm not changing minds by the things I post, re-post, tweet, or re-tweet. I post them out of moral obligation or in the moment passion, but part of me doesn't even want anyone on "the other side" to even see the post because I don't feel like getting in the inevitable argument that I know will ensue. I used to feel like it was all balance- like, if I have to see all their racist, ignorant stuff, they should have to see my un-racist, non-ignorant rebuttal stuff. Then I realized, if you're racist, or stupid, posting stuff you haven't even vetted as true, or whatever- you're not even opening my stuff. I'm probably hidden. Or unfriended. I've had to unfriend people. I never used to do that. But there are just some things I don't want to be associated. Hey, full on out and proud racists posting & perpetuating non-factual information, I'm looking at you!
(As an aside- Facebook really is conducting a messed up social experiment. I love the "On This Day" thing where FB pulls up all your memories from whatever the date is, that you've posted every year you've been a member. All the old comments are under the posts. The most interesting thing is when you re-read the old comments, then realize you haven't seen or heard from a person on there in awhile, you click on their profile and you see they've defriended you. Thanks FB for letting me know someone else thinks I'm an a-hole.)
Back to my little rant here... I started feeling tired and disillusioned when the Josh Duggar scandal happened. I posted something about it and someone I know basically posted in his & his parent's defense. I lost faith in humanity that day. How someone could come to their defense is so disheartening and baffling that I was *almost* speechless. Almost. I was also angry. Not just angry at the moronic defense, but angry that now I know the thoughts of someone that I can't un-know. I was just like- another one bites the dust....
Even this morning, I was in the doctor's office. The nurses & other office staff were talking about the primary and who they voted for or that they didn't vote, and then...someone mentioned having a blowout debate over one candidate and what side my doctor was on. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHO MY DOCTOR IS VOTING FOR. I get it- they're in their "work environment" just like anyone else in an office. They were having conversation, not thinking a patient would be there listening, or that what they're talking about could even have any kind of effect. I just couldn't un-hear or un-know, and I wish I wasn't privy to that conversation.
An old friend asked a pretty loaded and controversial question on Facebook this morning. On one hand I wanted to just blow on by without answering. But I couldn't. I felt like I had a responsibility to answer. Because she isn't closeminded. She didn't ask it in the most diplomatic way but I get her, I answered, and surprisingly, it actually didn't get ugly (as of early this afternoon anyway). It's been very respectful. I just had that feeling of anxiety of what it *would* become. Just by past experience in general. Every time I get a notification that there's a new response, I can't help but get a pit in my stomach.
I don't want more people to bite the dust. I don't want to stop sharing. I do wish I could "disable comments" on Facebook like they can and do on certain kinds of news articles online. Like I can do on this blog. I have to READ the comments here, but I don't have to POST the comments. Even then, I still can't un-know, but they're not just out in the open. For the record, I don't censor comments on my blog (or on FB)- I've never had to, I guess because I implemented the whole approval thing here. No one wants to give me any grief under their real user name I guess. I do want to be able to have thoughtful back and forth - I just think it's too emotional of a time right now, for everyone. I don't know if it's social media that exacerbates it but it's all just too much.
I guess I just don't know what to write about. I think about a lot of things during the course of the day. These days, they're all pretty controversial. I also don't want to be one-note either. I don't want to keep posting about the same topics but those just seem to be what comes up for me. Maybe because all the same stuff is in the news, never coming to resolution. So I've taken a bit of a subconscious break from writing anything. Some I have started but never finished. I'll get back into writing- have no fear. I do care about more than all the Real Housewives. It's just writing about them (on Facebook), has been my mental distraction for now. Dissecting scripted reality is about the reality I can handle.
If only it could be all puppies and rainbows for a little while...