No Talking PLEASE

No Littering PLEASE. No Smoking PLEASE. Remember when they actually had to tell you not to smoke? I can't even imagine what people would do if someone just lit up a cigarette in a movie theater. They'd flip out for sure. Because it's gross and rude. And illegal. Yet, people do a host of truly appalling things at the movies and while none of it is illegal, it's RUDE. Or whatever the word would be for worse than rude.

As I was leaving the movie theater last night I said to B that I was going to write this entry and get a TON of feedback. Feedback AGREEING with me. Yet SOMEONE, MANY someones, are committing these *crimes* against humanity so before you go agreeing with me, make sure it's not you too!!

I'm talking about movie theater etiquette. Is there such a thing? Not that I've seen. Not since cell phones became a staple for every person from tweens to seniors.

Every single time we go to the movies something ridiculous happens. We went to see the movie World Trade Center in 2006. An emotional movie, to say the least. As the TOWERS ARE COMING DOWN, in the movie, the lady next to B ANSWERED HER CELL PHONE. TWICE. He literally grabbed her leg and told her to hang up the phone. She got all huffy and said- "SORRY! I'M NOT PERFECT!". Ok. Well, it would be perfect if you would just not answer your phone in the movie theater.

I don't know. I thought movies were supposed to be an escape of sorts. Unless you're a brain surgeon on call, I really don't know why you can't turn it on vibrate, put it in your pocket and forget about it until the credits come on. I keep mine on vibrate, in my lap, under a napkin so the light won't bother anyone, and that's just to make sure the babysitter isn't texting me. One of my sitters took Ethan outside and locked herself out when we were at a movie, so once that has happened, I like to be somewhat reachable. But not for Facebook or texting! If I want to Facebook or text during a movie, I'll stay home! WHAT IS THAT IMPORTANT DURING A MOVIE??

Stein, B and I waited and waited to see the first Sex and the City movie. Pre-E, living in Englewood, my favorite theater was Edgewater. We waited on a ridiculously long line and we were like the first people. We got awesome seats, were so excited and it was packed. Of course, in front of us are a group of women, of undetermined ethnicity, ON THE PHONE, MID-MOVIE, in another language. Just chatting away like they were in their own living room. B was kicking their chairs and I am telling them to shut up. The one just looked at us and raised her arms as if to say, "What? What's the big deal?". And these are ADULTS. Baffling and infuriating. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR CONVERSATION ANYWHERE, let alone THE MOVIE THEATER.

This brings me to last night's movie. I'm sure there were many more examples I could give but I can't come up with them off the top of my head right now. Granted, this particular movie was kind of a real male bonding, testosterone heavy flick. On my right I had what looked like Ronnie from Jersey Shore, his dad and dad's friends that looked like Johnny Sak from Sopranos. In front of me I had the Alpha Betas from Revenge of the Nerds, and next to me, what looked to be a normal couple. If I gave you a trivia question of who would be the a-hole in this movie scenario, who do you think it would be? Well, if you said either the frat brothers in front of me or the Pauly D's next to me, you'd be 1/3 right. Because the major problem was the tool couple next to B.

The guy came in and said something rude about B's drink being in the wrong armrest. Then they talked and laughed through most of the first half. Finally B said something nice, I said, "SHUT UP SHUT UP", again, as I tend to rage like that when people ruin my movie experience, and they did not shut up. I didn't know it, but then B also spent the rest of the movie waiting for the guy to sucker punch him so he was all geared up to end up in a fight. My forty-four year old, 5'8, 150 lb husband, is all cocked and ready to pounce all because of PTSD from a high school sucker punch. Apparently he always had a loud-mouth girl on his arm causing trouble for him. Anyway- point being, he's scrappy and he was ready. Good thing it didn't come to that.

B hit me on the arm like five minutes later to show me that the male part of the couple was pouring VODKA into his soda from a FULL BOTTLE OF BELVEDERE. These were not children! Who the hell comes to the movies to get sloshed? Maybe I'm old, or just really like my movies sober, but I can't even imagine wanting to get drunk after paying $16 a ticket to go to the theater. Again, that's SOMETHING YOU CAN DO AT HOME. And just...WHY?? It's not like watching Pink Floyd's The Wall! Or some other movie you watch for the express purpose of getting fucked up to watch it. I could even see if it was the frat guys who were drinking. Because that's what frat guys do. But a couple? On a Sunday night date? I felt like I was in an alternate universe.

But the frat guys aren't off the hook either. Two of them were texting significantly. I know you may not *think* it's annoying, but it totally is. You SEE the light out of the corner of your eyes. I could READ their stupid texts because in stadium seating, they're sitting below me. No one cares, bro, what you're doing tomorrow and whether or not you're going back to the mall or a different mall.

I'm the most wired, plugged in person I know. I'm ALWAYS online. I'm usually watching tv, on FB, reading magazines, and reading message board posts all at the same time. But I'm IN MY HOUSE when I'm doing all that at once. I'm only annoying my husband, not a hundred other people, strangers, in a place where I have no business doing so.

Next time you go to the movies, look around. Notice there *are* other people sitting around you. People that maybe haven't been able to get out to a movie in months or a year. People who are paying babysitters as much money as it cost to see a movie and get some treats. People who want to be able to hear, get lost in a story, and ESCAPE for two to three hours. Recognize that you aren't that important & that Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram will all still be there by the time the movie ends. You aren't missing ANYTHING, except the movie, when you text, Facebook or TALK on the phone or to the person next to you, during the film. If you're that worried about what is going on in the rest of the world for the short amount of time you're in the theater, you need to be texting a good therapist instead of your bros, hos, etc.

Thank you for coming & enjoy the show!