Repeat this to yourself over and over for the next six weeks or so. Why? Because...holidays.
I've probably written something like this before. It's probably been a long time ago though because I barely write anymore. So, read this years version and apply it!
I don't begrudge anyone loving holidays. It's nice if you like them. It's nice if you don't have issues, complaints and grumbles surrounding the holidays. Most people can't say they don't have some kind of drama though. I'm in so many Facebook groups and message boards where people are spilling their holiday tea, I think we all need the reminder that it's JUST A DAY. Or just a couple of days.
My parents weren't much for holidays. We didn't have a big extended family we spent holidays with. I think we probably went to my grandparents nearby for Thanksgiving when I was kid. Funny enough, I don't even really remember. We weren't close to my grandparents, even with them living like fifteen minutes away. I only wanted to be going there if my cousin's were going to be there. Unfortunately, in that side of the family, there were always people not speaking, so the cousins I wanted to see weren't even there for a lot of years. Rita made a killer turkey though so that was something to be excited about.
Later, I guess when I was in college, Rita worked at the Super Video store, and she'd work on holidays for time and a half pay. So I don't think I had Thanksgiving with my mom most years. My boyfriend in college had large extended family and I remember spending most holidays with his family. I didn't come from the kind of house where there was any entertaining going on. So when someone else's family called dibs on a holiday dinner, that's where I went. Besides, I had the Jewish holidays and my boyfriends never did. I really enjoyed the Italian boys so they certainly weren't having Rosh Hashana. If we saw my family it was for Rosh Hashana in September or October and then it would be the guy's turn for Thansgiving and Christmas.
Holidays were just never really stressed as "important" to my family. It was fine when we had a dinner but it wasn't the biggest thing to miss either. I could see my mom any time, my cousins were most likely not going to be involved, and I didn't feel the need to see anyone else. I didn't feel like I was missing anything. I liked going to other people's homes and I didn't really think much about it. I was with my college boyfriend for almost six years and got used to going to his family. I felt like I was getting the "big family dinner" thing. But it was JUST A DAY.
B's mother would call Thanksgiving in June, Mother's Day in November, etc. My in-laws got every holiday and my mother couldn't care less. Not because she wasn't into seeing me/us, but just because it was A DAY.
Same with Christmas. My family is Jewish but always celebrated Christmas growing up. I don't know why. Rita liked Christmas lights and a tree. My parents weren't religious. We had a tree, we got presents, but that was the end of it. We didn't have family celebrating Christmas. Back then, in the 80s, everything was closed except the movies. We didn't go to the movies though either. I think, once I was a preteen, I'd go to my friends houses when they were done with whatever they were doing for the holiday. With my ex, I think we went to his mom's on Christmas Eve (because I remember that seven fishes thing). Then, maybe we went to his father's on Christmas Day, and because his dad lived by my parents, we probably stopped at my parents, or my mom's store. But it was JUST A DAY (or two).
Even New Years Eve was never a thing. My parents stayed home. Some years they had friends over, but eventually, the friends got divorced and all the kids grew up. I still am not a fan of New Years Eve. There's a lot of pressure there- like it's going to set the tone for the year. Which, I do not believe it does, by the way. In high school it was always about how we were going to party somehow. Like how were we going to get alcohol? Even though I didn't really drink. We didn't really have anywhere to go. Then in college, I can't even remember any NYE events. I remember the last one before my ex and I broke up. It wasn't great because there was the pressure of- Are we getting engaged or not after almost six years? Then when I was single and dating, it was all about- is this going to be the year I meet someone?
Then I met B, after being single for five years. Over the years we've had times of parties, times of staying home, times of friends, times of none. We had family, then we didn't. We always had each other though, then E. Whatever we do, we do, and we find a way to make it interesting, or relaxing, or exciting- whatever we want it to be. Our gang of three is the core and anything or anyone else is just a treat.
When you put so much pressure on A DAY, it really sucks the joy out of it. When you have a "tradition", when you have a "tradition with friends", it's great in the beginning, but people grow, change, move, grow apart, etc and then there's eventually a problem or some kind of drama. I LOVE where our life is now, the traditions we've made, and the friends we currently have. I just still think of holidays as JUST A DAY because that's how I keep perspective. If things have to change and evolve, I'm cool with that. A day on the calendar is not and should not the be-all best or worst of times.
I think the best way to look at the holidays is you're lucky if you get to spend some extra time with a person or a few people you really enjoy. Life is short. Be flexible but don't be a doormat. Don't let others dictate how you want to spend your time.
Of course, you and your spouse, if you have one, need to be on the same page, which is probably the hardest part about holidays. But it sucks if you're both so rigid that you spend most of your DAY traveling between both families. One might say it isn't fair to just see one, but it is. Ultimately, it's a DAY. Make another day to see the other family. Make the rule that if one family gets you on Thanksgiving, you have another Thanksgiving that Friday or Saturday after. Ask yourself, what is so important about the day on the calendar? The whole idea is just to get together with your loved ones. Talk about "reason for the season..."
No one is happy, NO ONE, is happy spending the day in the car, feeling rushed, and filled with anxiety over splitting time. Then you're arguing over how much time, where, and it never feels even.
And for you that are parents of grown children, grandparents, and/or in-laws: Stop guilting your kids into splitting their time! You don't want them coming to you out of guilt and under duress! You want them coming because they want to see you. You also don't want to be the cause of inevitable domestic fighting about having to split their time. I'm sure your kid wants to come to you and their spouse wants to go to their family. They already have internal struggle without your added passive-aggressive comments and attitude!
Hey parents (grandparents)- if you can figure out a way to blend the whole damn thing, do that. If there are just too many extended family members to make that happen, then let them figure out how they can manage by still keeping the peace in their own home. I see endless blow-ups online about this and it sucks. All because the parents are giving grown kids guilt. IT'S JUST A DAY! Be the bigger people and concede the holiday for them! Tell them your Thanksgiving is going to be x date and to be ready with pumpkin pie or whatever on that day. They'll love you even more for not contributing to their holiday stress.
Say it with me: It's just a day...it's just a day...it's just a day....
Give YOURSELVES the gift of a stress-free holiday season!
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