Do NOT Try This At Home

Where at-home wax belongs...

I read a blog post about a woman giving herself a Brazilian wax not that long ago. It was laugh-out-loud-tears-streaming-down-your-face funny. The long and short of it was that wax got everywhere and she basically sealed her butt-hole shut with it. It's not like I forgot about this blog post. So you could ask me what would possess me to try any kind of at-home waxing myself, especially AFTER reading that, but I wouldn't have a good answer for you.

I'd dabbled a little in at-home waxing twice before. Once were those strips that you warm between your hands. They were a complete waste- just really weak. They barely pulled out anything. Pain for no good reason. Then I got a Sally Hansen kit. I tried doing it while others were home so I heated the wax in the microwave downstairs and brought it upstairs to privacy. The wax hardened back up kind of quickly in the cup it came in so I couldn't do that much. It didn't hurt too much but I had no microwave upstairs so I just gave up when the wax went back to it's hardened state. I wasn't going to keep going up and down the stairs. Not with my husband and son home to bother me with questions I didn't want to answer. Listen, people like to do their grooming in private. Except, apparently the couple who went in together for him to get a back wax the last time I was at the salon.

Why, why would I even involve myself in such a thing when there are wax places all over? Why, when I have a place and a girl I like? Because. Who has time? I like to keep myself maintained but I'm working with a small amount of free time. Sometimes I have to pick like Sophie's Choice what I'm going to maintain professionally- nails, toes, hair on my head, hair in other places. I can't do my own nails because I can't. They're gels and shellac. I learned how to do wraps back in the day but it took me like five hours, it was a huge mess and I'd have swollen, painful cuticles when I was finished. I'm not learning gels and shellac. I can't do toes if my hands are done because I'll ruin my manicure. There is no way I'm cutting or coloring my own hair. I tried that a few times in the early 2000's and one time I ended up looking like Frenchy from Grease. An Easter egg. That leaves the waxing.

In theory it seems easy. Spread some on, then rip it off. Aside from the potential pain, the whole act sounds like a breeze. I even still have numbing cream I bought for E's bris. I'm sure it still works somewhat.

Today I thought that I would just do a little bit so as to keep up with it and prolong the time in between having to go to person who waxes people for a living. Someone with schooling and practice. I opened the Sally Hansen box. It looked different this time. It was a purple container. The last time it was blue. I opened the top and the wax was purple too. I know the last time it was yellowish. Like a butterscotch. There were also strips in the box. Last time it was strip-less. I read the directions but there was no mention of the strips. I had a little nagging bad feeling but I pushed it down.

I shouldn't have. Always trust your gut. ALWAYS.

I put the container in the microwave as directed. The instructions said ninety seconds but if that's not enough to do it more in fifteen second increments. I figured that since the last time, the wax hardened back up quickly, instead of ninety seconds, I'd just start off immediately with one minute and forty-five seconds. ONLY FIFTEEN MORE! It also said to leave it in the microwave for a minute after it's done. I left it for a few because I was doing something. Oh, and no one was home so I was in the kitchen in just underwear. Then I got totally naked so I'd be ready for quick hardening wax. Another big mistake.

I opened the microwave, fully expecting the wax to need more time in the microwave. But it was just a totally different kind of wax. I pulled it out quickly. The container was so hot and the contents so liquefied, the wax went spraying all over me and I must have just dropped the container right on to the counter. It's all hazy now, because of the electrifying PAIN I was in from the flying wax. Wax hit me in what felt like flaming fire drops all around my midsection, legs and feet. Luckily my more sensitive parts escaped the fray.

It wouldn't come off. I could NOT get it off. I guess there is a big difference between strip and strip-less wax itself? I DON'T KNOW. But when I got stripless wax on me, like on my fingers, it just peeled off. But this? No, this was like hot purple lava drops stuck to me. If I tried to get it off with my fingers, it would just stay on my leg and get on my fingers ALSO. I tried picking some off with my nails and some came off...WITH MY SKIN ATTACHED. But never mind me- I looked around in horror after the explosion and I saw it was EVERYWHERE. All over the granite counter and all over the hardwood floor. I was screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" inside like in slow motion. Like, in that Seinfeld episode "The Fatigues" with Frank and the tainted food at the Jewish singles night.

I was going to be ON TIME. And this whole wax debacle messed everything up. I couldn't get it off me and now I didn't know how I was getting it off anywhere else. I had an idea. The nail place gave away some free massage oil when they first opened. I'd put it away in a closet upstairs because, well, when was I going to use that? But I remember my old waxer putting oil on me to get any of the leftover old kind of strip wax off me at the end. I ran upstairs and got that and I found some Pledge. That seemed oily enough. For the next forty-five minutes I oiled up the counter and the floor. Some came off. Some did not. Then I tried white vinegar. Because...why not?

Oh, and then I hear a car pull up. As I'm ugly-naked cleaning the kitchen floor. I run downstairs to throw some clothes on and see who it is. It's my husband. He opened the door, looked at me, looked at the counter and floor, I said "Don't. Ask.", he quickly grabbed what he came for, said, "I'm not". He took one last glance around and walked right back out that door. He knows better than to ask. Smart man.

Eventually I just gave up dealing with the floor because I had to go return the stupid dress at Nordstrom (prior entry) and I had to go to work. I wiped the oil and Pledge off the floor as best I could so no one takes a header. I put Neosporin on my missing skin patches and went on my way.

What I learned today- do not do yourself what you can pay for when it involves hot substances near any of your skin areas. Go to a professional when you can. Make the time. Spend the money. The pain and aggravation of what will, not might, WILL, happen, is just not worth it. Thank you Tara at The Honey Pot, I appreciate you that much more. And FYI- strip wax sucks. It's a fossil. Stripless is the way to go from now on.