Anyone not feel the pressure to be "perfect"?
I'm asking because I just saw a friend post about the pressures of feeling like they have to appear to be the perfect mom. She was saying that seeing all the back to school, 1st day photos, on social media, she wondered how many didn't post pics because of a myriad of reasons. Reasons like no time, intimidation over seeing all the perfect chalkboard signs, all the way to having lost a child.
I saw this post after I'd already seen/heard a similar clip on Hoda & Jenna, since my typical Wendy watching has not commenced in a new season yet. They had some lady on who has ten kids and wrote a book about parenting or something, saying you have to take time for yourself. Natalie Morales or someone else co-hosting today asked - "What about the mom guilt you get for taking time for yourself?" I turned it off. I wasn't triggered by this segment. I didn't feel commiseration. I was just bored. I didn't feel like listening to a whole segment about mom guilt that I don't have.
I just don't get it. I guess if you had perfect parents and you don't feel like you're measuring up to the parenting you received? Even then, do you feel like you have no issues? Can you honestly say your upbringing was so awesomely perfect that you have no issues? No. Everyone has issues. And some HAVE to be directly or indirectly related to how you were parented. Even if it's just that their perfection made you less confident in your own abilities.
Part of this conversation is that social media must be making moms feel like they need to be perfect. Make signs, put first day of school glitter around the house (Thanks M for putting that on my radar), make braids, crowns, etc. If social media is making you feel less than, I think it's time to call a therapist. Or get off social media. It's been said that people feel bad about themselves because no one is posting their "bad days" or their non perfect moments.
WHO IS BELIEVING THAT ANYONE'S LIFE IS AS PERFECT AS WHAT IS SHOWN ON SOCIAL MEDIA?? Do people really believe that anyone's life is perfect all the time? Or that their posts are representative of their daily life? I didn't even know this train of thought was a thing. Someone else's "perfect" isn't even my definition of perfect. I see people's vacations and I'm more apt to think- "I'd rather poke my eyes out with cocktail forks than go there/do that".
I've never looked at someone's perfect anything and felt like I should be doing that or I'm somehow a "bad mom" for not doing the same. The only perfection going on in my house, that *I* care about, is my perfect peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I showcase my frozen treasure chest of pb&j every year for the start of school. Really, that is just a life hack I'm sharing that seems to be enjoyed by all. If you feel bad about my freezer stash though, by all means, hide me or unfriend me.
I don't know if confidence is nature or nurture, or both. My parents barely parented and I seem to have been born then with immense confidence. Or I got it from being barely parented and having to fend for myself. Someone else with that kind of benign neglect could or would be all kinds of messed up or maybe just would have a lack of confidence.
All I know is that when I hear about the mom guilt thing, I just don't get it. We're all doing what we have to do. Or want to do. Most of the kids I know are living in middle to upper middle class existences. They have food, shelter, clean water. Not only do they have clean clothes, they have name brand clothes. New backpacks. All their school supplies. They are in one to many extracurricular activities. Their families have a vehicle or two. They go on vacations. A parent walks or drives their kids to school. Some even take their kids out for lunch. They go to restaurants. They go to the park, the town pool, the library, the movies, and amusement parks. I'm not IN their homes, but I'm pretty sure they hug, kiss, and tell their kids they love them.
WHAT ELSE IS THERE??? WHAT AM I MISSING??? Why do we need some lady's book to tell us to take time for ourselves?? I KNOW for a fact that Rita felt no guilt about laying in the pool, naked, with a Tab and cigarette. Or watching Ryan's Hope, then Days of Our Lives and Another World, then maybe doing an errand, only to pretend to look busy when my father eventually walked through the door.
We were all whole people before we had kids. We all had interests, dreams, wants, needs, etc. You don't lose all that just because you became a parent. It's not selfish to continue being a whole person. Kids grow up and leave. If you become half a person for all the years they're in the house, it's going to be really hard to find the other half once they're gone!
You go to the gym. You tell your kids to get off electronics. You hand them an iPad to get them to shut the everloving fcuk up so you can just think for a damned minute. You hide in the bathroom for thirty minutes to read US Weekly. You can't be the class mom. Like me, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE CLASS MOM. You can't make a school concert here and there because it's during work. You work. You tell them they can't have candy for breakfast. You give them Pop Tarts for breakfast. You forget to pack a lunch :::raises hand for 3x being called from school for that::: You're late to drop off or pick up. You forget a birthday party. You make a sign for the 1st day and annoy them with photos. You forget to make one. You don't have time for a sign or pictures.
There's always going to be a reason your kids are pissed at you. Or think you're the best. There are going to be periods of time- most likely the teen years- that they hate you no matter what you do. You could be perfect, and it wouldn't matter! I've always said that it will the the things you think you did correctly that they'll be in therapy over later.
Mom guilt is useless because you can't control what your kids are going to take away from your parenting. It's often the things you feel guilty about that they perceive in a positive way later on. You feel guilt about having to work- they tell you as an adult they got their work ethic from you. On and on. Then you can feel guilt about all the time you wasted feeling guilty.
Your kids only knows what "normal" is in YOUR house. If they ask you why you're not volunteering in the library, there's nothing wrong with telling them that you don't want to, you work, that school is their domain and you want to keep your worlds separate like church and state. Whatever your reason is- IT'S GOOD ENOUGH. If your kid doesn't like a rule or the way things are- there's nothing wrong with telling them to get new parents. Old school. And there's nothing wrong with not feeling bad about it.
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