Pretty Woman

 

We all know that scene in Pretty Woman, where Julia Roberts goes into the store on Rodeo Drive, in her whole hooker get-up, to spend the money for a dress, and the snooty ladies don't think she had the money to purchase in their boutique so they shun her. 

I had a moment like that this past week, while shopping for a dress for a milestone event coming up. The whole experience of dress shopping is humbling to begin with. The whole harsh light of the dressing room, wiggling into things, not being able to get out of things. That moment when you get that dress on just a hair past the place where you get the feeling you may not be able to get it off. Then you have Carrie Bradshaw-trapped-in-the-wedding-dress-hives-moment where she just rips it off, except you don't rip it off, you just see your life flash before your eyes as you somehow manage to get that godforsaken dress of your now sweating body. 

One might think that bathing suit shopping is more humbling. The difference is, with bathing suits, you can buy a bathing suit, and wear it to a pool or beach, but never actually HAVE to be seen in it. You could wear a cover up the whole time. The bathing suit doesn't need to be a focal point. It's there in case you need to get wet. 

A dress though, a dress is the main event. Everyone is looking for the dress. B keeps asking me goofy questions like, if he's supposed to match my dress. What color suit is he supposed to wear? My answer is going to be the same every time. NO ONE CARES. Not because it's B, but because no one cares what guys are wearing! Suits are suits are suits! Yeah, there are some differences and whatnot, but for the most part, it's a suit and no one really gives a hoot. 

I didn't know I was going to go into Neiman Marcus when I did. I stopped into the mall because I was driving home from somewhere else, passing it, and figured I'd pop in to see what dress stores were in there these days. I haven't been in Garden State Plaza in forever. Since Covid, I'm just rarely in the mall. If we're not going to Grand Lux then I really have no reason to be in there. 

I don't get dressed to go to the mall. Or anywhere. I have many reasons. I like to be incognito on the daily. I think I've said before, I have this odd ability to be so dressed down that no one recognizes me. Or maybe there is just such a huge contrast between how I look during the day to how I could look to go out in the evening. Or, my neurologist has changed my face so much with my Botox for migraine I'm pretty much anonymous. At any rate, I was wearing a hoodie, leggings, sneakers, and a beanie with all my hair in it. I don't like hair fly-aways so I just tucked all my hair in there. Being it was Garden State Plaza on a Monday, if I wasn't wearing pants I could've been Orthodox. I choose to go out like this also because I don't WANT to be approached by sales staff. I don't want help, I don't want questions. I just want to move along as if I was invisible.

There's this brand of high end dresses, I don't even remember the name off-hand, but I saw some online, secondhand, because I'd never pay retail for these, but I needed to know how the brand fits first. It has Italian sizing so in my mind, that could mean it runs small. Sometimes the brand is on Rue La La, so I wanted to know what size I'd be. I knew the brand is sold at Neiman's so I walked in. 

I found the brand and a dress in that brand in the right size. A saleswoman came toward me. I got looked up and down with disdain like I'd never seen. She asked me if I wanted a fitting room. I said sure but I'm going to come in right then. She looked pained. When we got to the dressing room she proceeded to tell me that I needed to step into the dress because there were no zippers. I looked at her curiously like she was a zoo animal. Did this woman think that just because I may have forgone one shower in over twenty-four hours that I also forgot how to put clothes on? That I couldn't recognize the absence of any zipper apparatus? 

The dress fit, so now I knew my size in this brand if I ever see it secondhand somewhere. But I didn't love the fabric these dresses are often made of, so I was glad I saw, felt and tried it on in person. 

I went to like eight stores that day. I went to Neiman Marcus, Macy's, Bou Bou, Bloomingdales Outlet, Nordstrom Rack, Marshall's, Burlington, and Saks Off Fifth. The next day I went to Bloomingdales and some other store in another mall. Every night for weeks I'd been scouring the internet. I knew the style and color I want. It just didn't to exist in real life. Finally, I ordered like eight hundred dollars worth of dresses from Nordstrom because I knew I could at least return whatever didn't fit. AND I ordered something for under seventy dollars from the UK. That one, I'll just have to keep. But if it fits, I can wear it to something else. 

But damn. Trying on dresses sucks. The clothes on and off. Nothing looks good in those dressing rooms.  Carrying around shoes. Spanx. Strapless bras. It's a scene, alright. In Saks Off Fifth, I saw a cute IRO dress that was marked down to around two hundred dollars from a thousand. It was small but it seemed to have some give to it, and in my mind, I figured I'd just try it on for the hell of it. I didn't even really want it but I wanted to see what a thousand dollar dress would look like. 

What did you think I was going to say happened?? Of course I got stuck in that sucker. The second it got just past the point of no return. I was thinking, what do I do? Do I call someone? Could I even tell someone this? Does the store ever have something like this happens??

It took me some extra time but I managed to get myself out of that nightmare. And into the fresh hell of a different store in a different mall. 

In the end, I actually did somehow, magically find a dress, AND a back up. I even found shoes and a bag. I'm actually most impressed by bargain finding. I found E a shirt and shoes in person, and I ordered him a suit. Fingers crossed that the suit fits. I'm so glad the process is over because if I never have to see the inside of a dressing room again, I'll take it.