Little Softies

 

It's no secret that I spend a lot of time on Facebook. I read a lot of the questions, comments, and complaints in the Bergen County Moms group. Right now, the major topic of complaint is the NJSLA, a standardized test given to middle and high school kids. 

When we were kids, we had the CAT test, some other standardized test. I remember it, I think I probably liked it because it changed up the regular school schedule, but that's all I remember. I wasn't a good student. I was okay. I had an undiagnosed learning disability. Math was impossible. But I didn't have any test anxiety to take the CAT test. It was just something you did. My parents didn't talk about it, talk to me about it, and if anyone opted their kid out, I didn't know about it. Parents didn't "opt out" in the 80's. It never even came up. I don't think parents even knew they had options. It was- this is when the test are... and no one questioned it. 

Now? Oh. My. God. You'd think the schools were asking kids to parade down the halls naked with their grades tattooed on them. Every other post is about how to opt a kid out, whether you can opt them out, the kid has test anxiety, kid is a mess worrying about the test. Today I saw someone, anonymous of course, because no one can seem to admit that they're coddling the living shit out of their kid, she wanted to know if other schools besides the one her kids attend, were still giving tests, quizzes, and homework during testing week. Why, because her sixth grader doesn't have extra work and her seventh grader does, and it doesn't seem fair. 

Are you kidding me? It isn't fair? Life isn't fair! 

I'm not saying the 80s or my parents were the bastion of perfect parenting, for sure. It was just different though. School was...trusted. If there was a standardized test, there was a test. No one was questioning the anxiety the test might provoke in a kid. There was no internet to do their own research. There were no groups thinking they know more than teachers. I also don't think kids had as much anxiety. Parents didn't discuss this stuff like they do now. They didn't crowd source whether kids should be opted out. Anxiety wasn't discussed to the level it is discussed. If I had to guess, I'd say my mom didn't know when the test was, nor would there ever be any instance she'd even consider opting me out.

Is anxiety and school/test anxiety real? Sure. Are there a lot of kids with anxiety? Yes. I've seen it. I know it exists. I just wonder in some cases, it is a chicken or egg situation. People are worried that hearing a lot of talk about LGBTQIA issues and stories will turn a kid gay (it won't), but don't think twice about talking about anxiety in front of kids. To me, it's like if you talk about the symptoms of any disease or syndrome long enough in front of a person with a certain way of thinking, they start feeling like they have it. Parents don't seem to be careful at all about what they talk about in front of children- I've definitely seen that. I've been in circles at school or on a playground, hearing them talk about their kid having anxiety about this or that, fully within earshot. I wonder sometimes if the kid really has all this anxiety or if they just have been led to believe they do. I definitely think it can be self-fulfilling prophecy.

Even if kids do have anxiety, they don't have to be coddled and bubble wrapped from gaining any coping skills. Our kids have very little adversity these days, because parents are SO involved. Overly involved. In the wrong things. In things that actually keep their kids from growing as humans. These kids have no life experiences. Opting them out of a test? A test that doesn't mean anything? These standardized test scores mean NOTHING for the kids. They aren't the SAT or ACT. They don't count individually toward getting into any class or college. They're basically to test the teachers, to see if the teachers are doing their job teaching whatever material is on the test.

Personally, if people are so worried about anxiety, I don't know why they don't just tell their kids that the test doesn't mean anything, they should do their best, but if they don't know the material, it's not a big deal and to move on. I'm sure there are parents that do that and the kid still feels nervous, but it's the parents job to teach them how to handle the anxiety. If the anxiety is extreme then it's time to see a professional and/or talk about some kind of medication. Those are not the cases I'm talking about.

My son has Tourette's. He has a 504 because of that diagnoses. He likes the test. Well, he doesn't like the TEST itself, but he likes the disruption of the day. It changes the regular schedule and it either eliminates classes that day or makes them shorter. We've never put any emphasis on the test in our home. We never told him he needs to do well on it or even that he should try hard. We never really talked about it at all because it's such a non-issue. He's never seen his scores either. He's never asked and we never thought it was important to tell him.

I also never thought about whether he should or shouldn't have other homework, tests, or quizzes in his regular classes. His other classes have nothing to do with the standarized test. The test is based on what they already know. He hasn't been studying for it. There was nothing to study. To me, it's totally irrelevant to the rest of school. It's mid-May. The teachers have material that needs to be completed by the end of the year. I can't imagine there is time for them to have no tests, quizzes, or homework just because of a standardized test. 

The amount of bellyaching from moms about this test is baffling. Everyone has to do what's best or what they think is best for their kid. I just don't get the constant crowdsourcing. The amount of moms talking about opting out and having kids with anxiety is way over the top. This behavior shouldn't be the norm. To me, school is my son's job. He has to do whatever they want him to do. Do I think Algebra is necessary? No! Not for him. But he still has to try his best and do the work. School is his job. Getting through Algebra, which is really hard for him, the ONLY class that is really hard for him, is adversity. Getting through it, is going to give him confidence, even subconsciously, because he didn't think he'd be able to do it. You can't opt them out of life and getting thrown curve balls on the regular.

If you're that adamant that the NJSLA is just too stress inducing for little Amy, then opt her out, feel good about it, and own it. I just question how much you're going to try to opt out little Amy, who becomes big Amy, for the rest of her academic career. Are you going to call the teachers or the Dean at college to try to opt Amy out of her college tests? Is Amy going to be able to take any tests without anxiety because she never had to take them before? What happens when Amy tries to get a job? What if she has to take some kind of test for her job? Is Amy going to be able to do it? 

I guess you could say I'm being dramatic, but I don't think I am. I've seen, with my own eyes, freshman in college who couldn't pick out an outfit or what to eat for dinner without calling mom on their cell. I've seen kids woefully unprepared for the rigors of college and just daily living because they have no life experience, no adversity, to draw on where they gained any coping skills. I'm not even talking about not knowing how to do laundry or other chores. I'm talking about the emotional wherewithal to get through difficult situations. If you let a kid opt out or quit everything, how do you think they're going to handle things as an adult? 

A standardized test, to me, seems like a cakewalk compared to actual adversity. How about teaching your kid how to deal with anxiety- breathing techniques, journaling, therapy, exercise, and whatever, instead of just pulling them out of the situation. Get them a therapist to deal with anxiety. Find YouTubers or TikTokers who talk about coping with anxiety. Just don't pull any and/or all adversity from their lives without trying to cope first. If they can't get through a standardized test that doesn't mean anything, how are they going to deal with the things that come down the pike that DO actually mean something?? 

No one wants to see their kids upset or anxiety ridden. There just seems to be a really high number of kids with anxiety these days and I just have to wonder where that comes from. It can't be that we're all so incredibly enlightened that we are hyper tuned in to every case. I think anxiety has also become a bit of a buzzword that parents use to describe run of the mill nervousness. Is it possible that anxiety come from never being able to solve their own problems? Parents need to start thinking that maybe the anxiety comes from not having the confidence that they can solve their own problems because they never get the chance. Kids need the opportunity to work THROUGH their feelings, through their problems, not just ignore them because mom can erase them. Otherwise, we're going to have a world full of twenty-somethings that are paralyzed by fear of messing up, doing nothing, because they don't know what they'll do if stuff goes sideways. 

Our kids are often much more capable than we give them credit for.