Can You Spare a Square?

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Things are rapidly changing hour by hour it seems. One minute, I'm all CoronaThis and now we're at no toilet paper to be found and not being able to spare a square. Today I'm all CoronaWhatTheFuck.

I get it. It's a big deal. I get that no one wants to hear that it will only affect those who are already in vulnerable health because most people are probably close to someone or many people who are already in vulnerable health. Hearing that doesn't lessen any panic because even if means YOU personally won't die, it still means that a loved one can. Awesome.

I admit, I wasn't freaking out prior. I wasn't freaking out about catching it. I wasn't freaking out about giving it. I'm still not. B, E, and me- none of us have any reason to think we've been exposed. *knock on wood* We live and work in a small town. We don't go to any house of worship. E goes to a small elementary school with only around fifty kids in his grade. Let's say there's maybe 250-275 kids in his whole school. Now school is closed indefinitely. He's barely been at swim, it's been over a week now, and there he's been immersed in chlorine. His other extracurricular activities are singular like guitar and piano lessons. I hadn't even been at work myself because I had a sinus infection which has come and gone. So I wasn't even really in contact with the general public much.

However, as the idea of school closures started being discussed, and more breaking news was coming in....I started feeling more and more of a tightness in my chest. I'd be fine. Then I'd go on Facebook and scroll through my feed to people's fears. I'd see questions asking what to do about attending this gathering or that one. I'd hop on one of my message boards to see questions about what if this, what if that. I started feeling like a rubber band stretched and stretched. I'd get off the internet, breathe, and try to do, think about other things...

I got on the treadmill yesterday morning around nine-fifteen. I turned on the TV, as I normally do, and it was the perfect storm. I turned it onto Kelly & Ryan or something and immediately there was a Breaking News alert. Then I picked up my phone and saw a friend's post with a photo from the local supermarket. I couldn't tell what I was looking at. I wasn't sure if it was a joke, or serious. Then I realized it was line like it was a Depression Era bread line. I started hyperventilating. I then somehow ended up in the live stream our school HSA (like the PTA) meeting. I don't know what happened, I could barely hear what they were saying because the treadmill was loud, but I caught something about how "the spring social is our big fundraiser and fingers crossed...." and I just lost it. I was hysterically crying and hyperventilating and I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown.

It was a Seinfeld moment for me. "What is this salty discharge??" I'm not a crier! Unless it's for the American Idol kids or homeless people or stories like that. But I'm not typically a worrier. I'm not a depressive person. I usually try to see the positive and I'm a hustler. I always had to kind of fly by the seat of my pants. My life has never really been "comfortable" or "easy" so I've always sort of felt like I've had to be "on my toes". Scrappy. So to just crumble like a cheap suit was humbling and surprising to say the least. I just couldn't stop sobbing. I guess it just needed to come out.

I wasn't sobbing out of fear of getting sick. I was sobbing for the uncertainty. The fear of the unknown. Of society shutting down. Of the lack of leadership in this country. I posted on Facebook recently- "WHERE ARE THE PARENTS??" Meaning, it feels like when you're a kid and you think your parents know everything, only to get to that point where you realize your parents are just people who know the same nothing you know. I knew our current leader in the White House is a clown, but it's like- shit just got real. Fast. Not only did it get real where people are dying of this whole weird virus, but what are we going to do about money? How long is this going to last? Is this the apocalypse?

I was sobbing because we own a small business and that's how we live. That's how we pay our bills. What if people can't shop or the domino effect of their lay-off causes them not to want to spend money? Unknown. It's not like we can get unemployment. Just like anyone with a small business. Then they keep interviewing small business owners in quarantined areas saying how awful this is for them. They need people to be able to come in.

Someone I know was like- "well, you're supposed to have savings" when asking what to do about a tenant asking to be late on rental they have. Even if people have savings, no one knows when this is supposed to end. How long are you supposed to be able to sustain yourselves? Unknown. Too much up in the air. I don't know anyone prepared for "Pandemic Savings".

I was sobbing for the unfairness of it all for our kids. The goals they've worked so hard for that had to be cancelled like bar/bat mitzvah readings and celebrations. E is the lead in his school play of Aladdin and we have no idea what the fate of the play is going to be. All the dance, gymnastics, and cheer recitals and competitions that are cancelled or just up in the air. The sports seasons cut short or on hold that could determine futures in college or careers. We push our kids to work so hard so they can get to their goals. We drive them to their practices, run lines, go to meets, expend time/money/gas/energy and now their goals are just cut for now. It's HARD. Sure, are these first world problems compared to death? Yeah. But they're still hardcore huge disappointments we're allowed to grieve and our feelings of sadness are valid.

I was sobbing because I have some kind of OCD or whatever where routines keep me sane. My routines don't bother anyone, or impede my life. Well, maybe they bother my friends Alex and Mike because it causes them to eat dinner at AARP time on Saturday evenings, but they're used to it by now. But the thought of all my routines being messed up just threw me into a tailspin of panic that I couldn't deal with it in that moment.

I'd stopped into an unfamiliar grocery store the night before because I just happened to pass by. I didn't know the layout and I had to leave because I couldn't find anything. It stressed me out more than not having the items, so I just left with a few things. In my crazed mental state yesterday morning, I just knew I HAD to get to MY Shop Rite. RIGHT THEN. So I hopped off the treadmill and called B, who was insisting on coming home. I guess he could tell by the insanity in my voice that was not the way this was going down, when I said, "DO NOT COME HOME". I jumped in my car and drove to Shop Rite in Paramus, where I know the layout like the back of my hand.

I got all my staples. I did not get toilet paper. As an aside, besides the toilet paper craze being ridiculous, I do not need toilet paper. We get the cheap kind of Scott toilet paper on Amazon Subscribe & Save because that's what he likes. He says it never stuffs a bowl. I'm not arguing over TP. We got like thirty-two rolls then. B starts using it and tells me it's defective. That it's only one ply and it shouldn't be. That it feels too thin and you can't wipe your butt properly with that.

Well. I don't investigate One-ply TP-gate. Anyone that knows me, knows, you wind me up, doesn't take much, I call Amazon and just start yelling. I have Diamond in me. That's just what we do. Ask E about my road rage. I'm screaming, asking the customer service guy if he's ever wiped his ass with one ply of TP. Yadda yadda, another thirty two rolls show up. We were in the middle of our basement renovation after our flood. Where was I supposed to put all this TP?? I started shoving it in the built-ins down there, behind the bar, wherever. Then, of course, I promptly forgot about it. Until a few weeks ago when I opened the built-ins to try to put something else in there. So I can spare a few squares. 

 So I got my basics. I didn't hoard. I didn't even buy any cleaning supplies. I wouldn't know what to do with them anyway. I got milk. Stuff to bake if I felt so inclined. Stuff to make like twenty-four peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And most important- Two packages, which is four loaves, of The Cheesecake Factory brown bread. Because, what else do you need? I felt like I could breathe after that. Not so much because of the items I'd bought, but because I also needed that time away from the TV and the internet. I realized that's what's giving me the anxiety. The overload of the media. The overload from my own well meaning friends.

I understand we need to take it serious. This entry is more a stream of consciousness than anything else. I have no words of wisdom to impart. Information comes in to us in bits and pieces, all day long. No one seems to know what to do. I don't.

Some are saying to stay home away from everyone. Some are saying just don't go into larger crowds. I just think we have to use our common sense and try not shut down society as best we can. I'm not a doctor or a health professional. All I can do is try to keep my little group of three clean and healthy, not infect anyone else, and watch our mental health. I'll keep telling people to stop hoarding toilet paper because we don't have a shortage. We aren't going to shit ourselves into oblivion. I'm trying to keep of some kind of balance of normal life and following whatever it is we're told to do by whomever seems like the best authority. While still trying to keep a sense of humor. No one thinks this is funny. This is all some scary unprecedented shit with no leadership to keep us calm. So don't fault those of us who use humor to deflect from fear as foolish or uncaring. We're just trying to cope the best we can.

Hopefully E will be able to use this time to really become a rockstar. He'll have more than enough time to practice.