Middle School Sucks. Isn't that what they say? Sure. But does it have to suck?
I remember middle school. It wasn't great. People were mean. I think it was different though for one reason. Our MOMS weren't involved in the drama. Now, it's a whole different ballgame. Moms seem to not only be involved in the drama, but they're orchestrating it, at least to some extent.
I know there are books out there- Queen Bees and Wannabees, by Rosalind Wiseman is one of them, that can help explain or navigate this stuff. But I have to just get this out of my system here, where I can just speak freely, hoping it reaches some of those it needs to reach.
It seems like the thought of some parents is, my child will be happy if they're popular. Therefore, I need to help them be popular. If that means helping exclude or be mean to other kids, so be it. It's a dog eat dog world and best they learn about social hierarchy now.
No. NO NO NO.
Navigating the social scene in middle school is difficult for all kids, all genders. I have a boy. Of course there are problems for boys, with popularity. My son isn't a sports kid in suburbia. He has had earrings since kindergarten because when he was three and a half years old, he saw an older male camp counselor he idolized with them. He HAD to have them and didn't stop badgering us until he got them. Kids have been asking him if he's gay for years. JUST because he has earrings. What is this- 1986?
E is not an alpha male. He also doesn't have siblings he's learned to roughhouse with. He doesn't gravitate toward being physical. Put that all together, he's different. He's not quick with the burns and he gets crap for being different. Being a musician instead of throwing or kicking a ball on a team is cause for kids to take his music off the internet and harass him with it in school hallways. It prompts kids to just randomly tell him he sucks.
Guess what- right or wrong, I've already told him, his guitar, drums, voice- all those things will be the panty-droppers later. In my opinion, those guys who harass E are probably going to be living in their parents basement, drinking beers, literally playing Monday Morning Quarterback, talking about how "we" won or lost a game they didn't play. And yes, I said the word panty-dropper to my kid.
I'm not to be believed though. He might believe me. He just doesn't care what I have to say, while he's in the throes of middle school hell. I'm not in it. These are the people he sees every day. Middle School has sucked but I also think there's a level of personal perception there that makes it seem worse than it really is for him. Meaning, he takes things personally that I'm not one hundred percent sure are really personal. For example, I think certain kids just like to bother kids they know they're bothering. They would say mean things to anyone, but then when they get one they see they're actually getting to them, they focus their attention on those kids. It's not fun to harass people that don't register any sort of feelings about it. E has no poker face.
I'm actually more concerned about the girls. I feel like it's the same difference between sorority and fraternity pledging. Girls are guilty of mental and emotional cruelty that the boys don't seem to engage in the same way. Boys can be dicks. I hear they cut their own sports teammates down instead of helping build them up. They seem to get over stuff pretty quickly for the most part. I'm talking in a general sense. I'm sure it's relentless with some kids, I just haven't heard as many of those stories. Girls seem to mind-fcuk in a long game. One day you're in, the next...you're out. Grudges are held, social media bullying seems to be invoked. Girls seem to also post more on social media, so it's easier used as a tool of social destruction. It's down and dirty.
With the boys, the MOMS aren't as involved in trying to orchestrate things. I've never had moms getting in touch to organize a group Halloween costume, a joint party, a class trip room or bus sitting situation, or anything. I'm not on a text chain with any of my kid's friend's moms about anything. We talk here and there when it's appropriate, but we're not organizing or orchestrating anything unless it's a carpool to a specific event.
Boys do the mental and emotional damage too- don't get me wrong. They go for whatever the Achilles heel is and exploit the shit out of it. When the alpha sports douchebags rip on my son's music or say he sucks as a musician, it chips away at his confidence. He can roll with it, for the most part, because the kids who say stuff to him aren't using their power to turn everyone else against him. It doesn't seem to be about a hierarchy situation where boys that were once friendly with him or even just neutral all of a sudden turn on him because they were told to do so from a King Bee. No one is making him uncomfortable sitting at certain lunch tables or whispering about his clothes. Boys can say something, ripping on each other one minute, then be friendly another minute. I think if an HIB was opened on one of these kids, they'd be surprised, because I don't know that they think they're doing anything wrong.
Back to the Queen Bees and the Wannabees...The girls. What I'm seeing and hearing is really disgusting. The mind games. The mental mindfuckery. The group-think. It seems like every day is a mine field where you're just sidestepping being the target.
I've heard endless sad stories from moms saying that one day their daughter was just turned on and iced out by her group of friends. Made fun of to her face and/or behind her back for clothing, accessories, make-up. Not allowing someone to sit at a lunch table. Gifting a dirt surprise over candy in what in younger years was a fun tradition. Making mean spirited TikTok videos against one person by a group of former friends. Making it public that they don't want to be paired with a certain person for class group projects. Trying to ruin a dating relationship of a target by telling a boy not to date the target. Simply walking up to someone at a school event, out of the blue, and saying, "I hate you". I could go on and on.
You could try to say all the things one might think- well, there are three sides to every story, the parents may not be aware, maybe the one getting picked on actually did something. Maybe. What I see is that they're mostly just jockeying for social position. They'll do anything to be the Queen or in the Queen's court.
Like Carl in The Breakfast Club, I am the eyes and ears of this institution. I am everywhere. I don't even want to know some of these things. I just happen to be out and about daily at the end of the school day and I see these kids, in the downtown, at Starbucks, in CVS. I see and hear how they act in stores, treat staff, treat each other. I hear their conversations, see their TikToks being made. I READ EVERY TEXT ON MY SON'S PHONE. I know a lot of these kids since they were little kids. I know their parents or at least know of the parents. When I hear the stories about Mean Girls, there is unsurprisingly little difference between each horrifying tale. It's also always the same cast of characters or some configuration of overlapping crowds. Not even a small surprise.
Moms? What'cha doin'? Are you having conversations with your kids? You okay with this stuff? Think it's funny? Do you not care when you hear your daughter's a witch? That your son is a bully? Is no one telling you? My money is on you already knowing about your kid's behavior. Thinking that your precious couldn't possibly, OR that your precious probably has good reason to ride her broom through town like she owns the place. Maybe there's pride that they're so cool. They're invited to parties! They're liked! It's all good!
If I heard my son was treating anyone poorly, I'd be mortified and my son would be in such a deep pile of excrement, I don't know when he'd see the light of day. So, if you hear something, say something. I'll be ON IT. If it was to the level of the stories I hear about some of the girls, he'd probably be in some kind of counseling, we'd be in counseling to see where we went wrong, and I don't know what else. These Mean Girl moms are something else though. The ultimate goal seems to be their daughters popularity. They have no concern whatsoever if their daughters are good people, good friends, or good humans. The only other conclusion I could come to is that maybe they're scared of their own offspring. If that's the case, we're all in the excrement pile.
Parents of kids of any gender kids: How about instead of trying to make sure your kid is popular, whatever that means to you, instill the values that it's more important to just be a nice person? I know it's a novel concept. Many of the parents seem to trying to live vicariously through their kids to feel the popularity maybe they didn't during their own middle school experience. Or maybe they're just happy that their kid isn't a target and want to ensure that it never happens? But listen up and take heed. If your kid is hanging with the mean ones and helping dole out a handful of assholery, it will come back on them. Not because of karma or something, but just because that's how it works. The mean kids always turn on someone in their own group when they don't have anyone else to harass. Just wait.
If you think this might be about your kid- it probably is about your kid. Talk. To. Your. Kids. Talk to them about being a friend. If you even had the inkling, while reading this, that it could be your kid, it's time for a reboot. A HUGE part of your JOB as a parent is to talk to your kid about how they treat other people. Discuss, daily or weekly how to be a good friend. Tell your kids not to just be bossed around by the Kings and Queens, and try actually being different. How to be the one who stands up for the underdog, instead of being part of why the underdog doesn't want to go to school. It's called PARENTING. Parents- we can do better. It does take a village. Unless you're okay with that village being burned to the ground, it's time to have some very important conversations.
