In 2016 we got a cat. I had taken to the bed and B thought that's how he'd get me out. In 2016 though, we didn't know what was in store. We knew it wasn't good, but we still had hope it could be okay. It wasn't okay. I'm not okay. This entry isn't even for you...it's more a stream of consciousness to have a record of what I'm thinking today. I've mostly isolated. Mostly kept off social media. I've just been marinating in my own thoughts, feeling like I'm having an out of body experience.
Yesterday, as I made my way out of the house to vote, it was 8:45 in the morning and as I pulled out of my driveway and on to my street, I noticed that while it wasn't cold, like it should be in November, it was gray. I wondered if this was the start of that New Jersey gray time, generally from November to some time in March, or if this was hopefully a one-off gray day. I thought about 9/11 and if this grayness was something that will forever be etched in my memory, like how that Tuesday of 9/11 was gorgeous, sunny, and the air was crisp and cool. I know yesterday I felt cautiously optimistic but still had an overall feeling of dread. I chalked up the dread to PTSD of election day in 2016. Anyone who truly believed Hilary was going to win knows exactly the feeling I'm talking about.
I didn't realize it until just now as I sit here typing and look down at the hoodie I'm wearing, that I was wearing a rainbow tie dye cropped baby tee on 9/11 (it was 2001!), and I'm wearing a rainbow tie dye hoodie now. It's the one I wore yesterday to vote. I don't know if it was a subconscious thing, as it was also right near me when I got out of bed yesterday and today. I feel like I wore it yesterday because rainbow tie dye makes me happy and to me it's a symbol of a lot of what I believe in. There's also a hamsa on the back of it and that's a symbol of good luck to me. Maybe I just wanted to feel a protective shield.
I expected to be in and out of voting, as it's always been, in the eighteen years I've lived in this town. At most, at any given time, I've maybe had about three or or four people ahead of me. Sometimes there's been no one. This time, the line was out the door and you had to go in, sign your name, get a ticket, then get in line. The line was approximately forty five minutes long. Luckily, I had someone I'd call a "reasonable acquaintance" there to pass the time. I don't know his politics, which is rare these days, but that's what I mean about reasonable. We were able to have a lovely forty five minute conversation, which was enjoyable, and had very little to do with politics, with the exception of a sprinkling of school politics and our school board. If he was voting for Trump, I do not know, and I'm thankful I can live another day coexisting in this town, not knowing. I think we may have all taken for granted, just easy conversation, with a fellow neighbor and parent of same age teens.
I always took E with me to vote when he was little to show him that we always vote, even if it's not a presidential year. It's never "just" a primary or for "nothing important". I wanted him to understand that it's a privilege to vote and it's part of our civic duty. I wanted him to know that not only is it important to vote, but it's also important to know and understand what's going on in the world and at stake. Other parents have commented and judged, thought it was weird that I always had a little kid watching the news. They said stuff like, "Oh, I can't have little x watch the news. It's way too scary and they're too sensitive". Or, "I don't want them watching the news. They won't understand. They need to just be kids". I didn't sit him down and tell him he had to watch or quiz him. It was just on and I didn't shield him from the world's realities. I just wanted to know I'm putting an informed human into the world. He never seemed scared of the news, except of planes, which to him, "fall out of the sky" way too often in his book.
He asked questions. I answered. We also went to PRIDE parades and rallies. We marched for Black Lives Matter. We wrote election post cards. I had him join the Jewish Student Union at school, not because we're religious- we aren't- but just so he always knows that as humans, we're part of something bigger than us and the small bubble we live in.
E is off from school this week. I had not gotten out of bed by ten o'clock this morning to start my day yet because I really didn't know how I was going to muster the will. He actually got up before noon and the first thing he asked me was- "When do we know?". I said, "We do know". He said- "Trump won?" and I started to tear up. I simply said, "yes". We were both silent. B called me at some point and just lamented at how aside from the Obama years, when he was too little to really understand, he hasn't lived any times of normalcy. It's always been this worst of the worst humanity time. Anger, insults, extreme division, where racism goes to thrive.
I've seen a lot of memes about disappointment. People saying they're disappointed in women, marginalized communities, young people. I heard pundits say that after Joe Rogan's endorsement, fraternities of young men at college, who ordinarily wouldn't be all that motivated to vote, were organizing to go vote in support of Trump. I think I'm disappointed in all of us. I'm disappointed in those of us who really believed the fairy tale of safeguards. We believe over and over that there are people watching out for those in need and like Charlie Brown, get the ball pulled away again at the last second and end up flat on our back.
I feel like the internet and social media play a large part in how we got here. The internet was allowed to become the Wild West of Lies and Hate and has gone pretty much unchecked. In the past, even if we just go back to the first Obama election, B and I may have only just gotten iPhones at that point. Being on the internet 24/7 then wasn't even like what it is now. The twenty four hour news cycle wasn't the runaway train it is now. The news used to be the news. It always had spin but it wasn't complete channels called news but really just slanted infotainment. And before the internet and billionaires with their own agendas owning all the media, there weren't that many options or channels. Currently, if you decide you only want to hear one side, that's all you have to hear. I know from friends who did canvassing that there are plenty of Trump voters and undecideds who didn't know anything about Project 2025 and probably still don't. Or maybe just don't believe it? There is no one more obstinate than a Trump voter.
I've seen two pregnancy announcements recently, wives of young men I know. I think back to being pregnant with E, after the high of Obama winning the November 2008 election. I remember how excited Rita was, all of us were, that E was going to be born around the inauguration of the first black president. There was so much hope for the present and future. We were on a path forward. It seemed like such a bright time. I just thought, wow, these young parents, just starting out their lives, are having such a different experience. Even just the stress of what could happen during those pregnancies, just by the good or bad luck of what state they live in. One of them will have to actually spend time praying hers goes smoothly to the end for that reason alone.
You know when you have an argument with someone, you just can't understand their position at all and you feel like you're in the twilight zone? That's how I feel.
-I don't understand Jews believing Trump cares about Israel or anyone but himself. Or not believing that we're just pawns in a path to Christian Nationalism. When there are prayers up your kids are forced to say in school- they're not going to be in Hebrew, that's for sure.
-I don't know how people who are on social security or disability could believe he won't gut their only lifeline of money.
-I don't know how there are members of LGBTQIA+ don't believe he won't erase their rights and aren't in fear.
-I don't understand women who are willing to give up their body autonomy or their partners who are fine with that too.
-I don't know how there are parents who feel like he cares about the cost of eggs and are willing to believe that the promises of more money in their pocket are more important than their kids future rights.
-I don't understand how Mark Cuban can explain the basic math of how massive tariffs will make everything imported more expensive and people just choose not to believe it.
All that without the obvious that he's a felon, rapist, draft dodger, liar and....worse. He's a clown. An embarrassment. He's not your daddy. Unless your daddy is all of those things too.
Someone in my Facebook feed said- "Was it really that bad when he was in office?". How quickly one forgets. At the beginning he was riding on Obama's economy. Then it went south. There was a pandemic, which he fully mismanaged. Every day was waking up scared of what lunacy was said or happening next. Every day was anxiety filled. Unless of course, you were wealthy enough not to care of have any of it touch you. We weren't those people. We were scared. The thought of being back in that mental place is staggering.
B and I haven't been out of the country since 2007. We've barely left the county or state since then. Our passports expired in 2016. Two weeks ago, we renewed them. Just in case. Not because we're stamping our feet and pouting, proclaiming we'd leave if he was elected. But because we wanted to make sure if we had to flee, we'd at least have those. So to those who don't think it's any big deal, that we're just being dramatic, and we shouldn't let politics interfere with our friendships and relationships, just so you're aware, you know people who are afraid of needing to FLEE.
I don't really know how to cope today. It's one thing to disagree on policy. It's another to be afraid.