Licked On By Kittens

"Licked on by kittens" is a Rachel Green phrase from Friends. It was when Rachel and Phoebe went for tattoos and only Rachel got one because Phoebe didn't realize it was going to hurt. Rachel yells, that it didn't feel like it was licked on by kittens. Here's the video and quote- "Phoebe, how could you do this to me? This was all your idea! I know, I know, and I was going to get it, but then he came in with this needle, and d—did you know they do this with needles? Really! You don't say! Because mine was licked on by kittens!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Scwnr39mCek

This is how I qualify or quantify any and all pain. Whether it feels like it was licked on by kittens or not. Now, I've never had a tattoo, but I can imagine how painful that is, and I'm not good with pain. I got a brazilian wax for the first time after losing a bet. That first wax was like fifteen years ago, and that was almost more pain than I could take. I'd have to go there, in a tank top, mid-winter because I'd be sweating from the pain. That was with the old kind of wax though, and now, with the new wax (I don't know what the difference is, but there's a major difference), it's a breeze these days.

I never waxed my eyebrows and/or lip. I have hair, but I'm not super hairy. I've always just plucked my eye brows in the middle, but never did anything to the shape. Well, that's not entirely true. I did it for a little while, not much, but a little. Then, I got Botox for migraine and my eyebrows shot up my face so much that I look like I'm constantly asking a question just with my eyes. I had to let my eyebrows grow back in, especially in the area I attempted to shape.  I definitely don't have enough to wax and I never wanted to get started with that.


Same with the lip. Aimee, my college roommate, taught me to bleach the hair there, our freshman year. Before that, I had a virgin lip. Of course, she didn't really give me a great guideline on how much bleach powder to add or how long to leave it on, especially when it felt like it was burning my skin. So before a date with my super crush, I look like I had a tattooed twelve year old's pre-shaving years 'stache going on. After that, I learned better and became a Jolen bleaching pro. Again, I don't have a lot of hair- especially in comparison to many I've seen. Plus I was always tan, until now (another story), so you really didn't see it.

Bleaching was becoming a pain though. Not literally. It was needing to be done too often. I don't know why as I've gotten older, the bleaching seemed to last for less time, but it was becoming a nuisance. I don't have time for this. I've always wanted to try laser, but my friend Stein told me it kind of hurt. Now, she's a pro with pain, and if she said it hurt, even a little, I'm out. Another two friends told me about this place in Pearl River that is awesome, but I don't have time to go back and forth to Pearl River, ever. They both live closer to there.

However, this past December, I saw a Groupon for a deal I couldn't refuse. ( Elysium deal. I bought it through Ebates when Groupon was 10% back and Groupon also had 20% off)  It's Elysium Aesthetics & Vein Care in Paramus. It's close and it cost me eighty dollars for a "small area". One of the choices for a small area is the upper lip. I didn't think about it- I just jumped on it. Then I didn't make the appointment until I saw it's about to expire. Because I was scared. I made my first appointment of six, for this past Tuesday.

I had no idea what to expect. I didn't do ANY research. I panicked when I called to make the appointment and they told me to shave beforehand. Shave, you say? What the what now? I'm not Caroline from the Real Housewives of NJ. I'm not shaving my face. So the girl on the phone said to just do nothing then. I did nothing.

I showed up and Rita, who looked like a Kardashian, in a good way, came to greet me. I felt like when Chandler and Ross wanted to quit the gym and the hot girl came out to distract them and get them not to quit. Let this hot girl get rid of your upper lip hair, and maybe you could, in a small part, look like her. Maybe you'd want to do your whole body...

By the way, it's not lost on me that her name is Rita, my mother's name, who would never have this done. My Rita was keeping her blue mascara AND her mustache.

Laser Rita, as I'll now call her, told me if I shaved, it would work better. I told Laser Rita that SHE was welcome to shave it, but *I* was not doing it. Listen- you all read how I gave myself a brazilian on the kitchen floor and how well (not) that went? I'll leave the spa treatments to the professionals, thanks. She shaved my lip. Then she put some gel stuff all over it like I had a baby under there. That's when the fun started. Oh, and I had some kind of goggles on- I guess to shield me from the laser light.

She started lasering, and it was like when you get your teeth whitened with Zoom or something like that. You get those zaps of pain all night. This only lasts like five minutes so it wasn't all night zaps, but my eyes were running like mad from the zaps of pain.

It wasn't bad enough that I can't or won't go back for the rest of the treatments. I'm not that much of a baby. It was more like- I don't understand how someone does this over their entire body, and there's NO WAY I could see doing this for a Brazilian. Maybe a bikini line, with A LOT of LMX 5%, but definitely not all up IN there. I know laser there would be WAY more convenient but there's just no way I could take that pain. That would be straight up masochistic. I know I'm going to have friends say I'm exaggerating, but everyone has a different pain threshold and mine is just not that high.

This was fine. For five minutes, it's fine. I asked how long it would take to see results. Laser Rita says the face is tougher than the body so it takes longer. It takes more visits. Hopefully six visits will be enough for this. She said I can shave in between visits. I'm not looking forward to that. I guess I'll do it because I don't want any stubble there. Which even typing out stubble sounds so gross to me.

All in all- it was fine. I'll continue the treatments and hope for the best. The office was clean, the people were friendly. Just remember your cash for gratuity. To me, in my mind, I was going to a "doctor's office". But it's more of a spa- where you do give a tip for services. Luckily I had a little cash on me, but I was definitely not fully prepared. Sorry Laser Rita, I got ya next time.

http://www.elysiumveincare.com/